11/28/11

Dear Danny,

It's been such a long month without you. I don't know when it's going to get easier to handle, but it definitely isn't easier yet. Some days seem to have the illusion that they are easier than others. Not that it's easy to get you off my mind, that will never be the case, but because some days I have more distractions. However, it's getting to the point where just the slightest glance at your picture makes me tear up. Thinking about you has gotten a little bit under control, as in I don't cry every time I think of you. You are still #1 on my mind, though.

There are times where it will randomly hit me that you're gone. I will be just fine and then all of the sudden, out of nowhere the words "My brother is dead" pop into my mind. These are words I never thought I'd have running through my mind on a daily basis. But they ARE in my mind because you ARE gone.

I don't like thinking about what the future will be like without you. Christmas, my wedding, family parties, your birthday. What about when I have kids? Where will their Uncle be? I don't want to go through all that with you not here. This first Holiday without you was more than I could bare. I might look like I'm doing alright, but I'm not. I might act like the pain in my heart isn't practically killing me, but it is. I miss you. Yes, it gives me comfort to know that I will see you again, but I want to see you today, right now! I want to be able to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug. I want to be able to tell you that I love you and know that you hear it.

I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can. I talk to you all the time, out loud and to myself. I have yet to feel you around me, but I won't give up hope. I know you'll let yourself known at the times I need it most, or as often as you're allowed. But I can't stop thinking about the Bruno Mars song: "Every night I'm talking to the moon, trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too, or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon? I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away..."

Love Always,

Talysa