11-22-12

Dear Danny,

Today, on Thanksgiving, I am grateful for you.

I am grateful for the love you never ceased to express to me everyday. I knew, without a doubt, that you loved me. You didn't tell me very often, but I always felt it. I never had to wonder. I never questioned it. I always knew it. The way we would talk sarcastically (all the time) was our own way of expressing our love. Honestly, I don't think anyone had to wonder if you loved them.

I am grateful for your understanding, the compassion you had towards everyone, you never judged a single person. I am grateful for your acceptance of others, your sense of humor, especially when you were around Jeff and/or Daniel. I'm grateful for your love for music and the great taste you had in it; you got the whole family hooked on the 80's. I'm grateful for your positive attitude you had even while you were sick. I know it wasn't the easiest thing to go through and there were some rough patches but for the most part you put on a happy face, mostly so we wouldn't worry, though.

I'm grateful for your selflessness. Yes, people would say that suicide is a very selfish thing, which I didn't understand until it happend to us. I can see how they might think it's selfish. After all, you did leave us all behind to hurt. But that wasn't your intention. I know the last thing you would have wanted to do was cause us pain. So in my opinion, you are still very selfless. You always put others before you. You were always willing to help in any situation.

I'm grateful for the way you always protected me and cared for me. I was safe around you. I knew you wouldn't let anything happen to me and that I could trust you with my life. I love how you trusted me too. You could tell me anything and everything and I would listen. I knew so many of your secrets and I loved knowing that you trusted me.

I'm grateful for all the lessons you taught me and continue to teach me now. I am a better person because of you. I have changed the way I see people. I learned to never judge a book by its cover because even though you had a 'tough guy' appearence, you are a big fluffy teddy bear with a huge heart on the inside! You really are one of the sweetest people I have ever known.

You are one of the best brothers ever. I wouldn't be the same had you not been in my family. And though you were only on the earth for a short time, I know you are continuing to do amazing things in Heaven with all our family and friends who have also moved on. Like I've said before, I am quite jealous of you sometimes. Not that I would like to be dead, but I would love to get out of this world so full of evil and sin. I'm scared to bring my own child into this world, but it is a commandment so I will do it faithfully. I know you are up there with my future children right now (which also makes me jealous that you know them before I do...), teaching them how to behave and NOT to be out of control.. Right? I'm not lookng forward to raising them with only pictures of you, but there is nothing I can do about it. And of course I want them to know their Uncle Danny.

I love you so much Danny. I love you as much as one is capable of loving someone else. Yes, the pain will never go away, but it has gotten easier to cope so far. I dream about the renuion we will have soon. But that day still can't come fast enough for me. I do think about it everyday, though. You're always on my mind and forever in my heart.

Love Always,

Talysa

9/10/12

Dear Danny,

I am so sorry I have waited this long to write you again. I don't know why I have kept putting it off. It's hard to have to talk to you like this now. It's obviously not the same. I've built up a lot of anger towards you. I think it has to do with the fact that I can't see, call, or touch you. This whole thing is haunting me more and more everyday. Especially on Sundays with the family, though.

I don't know what to do anymore, Danny. I have been breaking down so much lately and it hasn't been light tears. It's been full on waterfalls. I forgot how many tears I could hold. The last time I broke down like I did on Thursday, was the dreadful day that started this all. When I started crying I couldn't stop. I cried for 45 minutes STRAIGHT! Then, after that, the smallest thought of you made me start back up again. On my way driving home, I couldn't listen to any radio because I feared one of the songs that remind me of you would come on. Even after all the crying and letting it go throughout the day, I still fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheek. It felt good, though. It felt very much needed. It had been a while before that since I had really broken down, and like I always say, if I go too long without letting myself cry, it just keeps building until I can't hold it in any longer. That is exactly what happened Thursday.

Gosh, I miss you. I don't care how repetitive that is in all my posts. I MISS YOU. This is hard. It is hard being without you. It is hard not seeing your smile everyday. It's hard not hearing your voice. It's hard not being able to call you up randomly or send you a text just to let you know that I love you. It's hard seeing your car in the garage and knowing you don't drive it anymore. Its hard seeing what your room has become now that you are living in it. It's hard seeing Daniel and Cort and just wishing you were in the room too. Its hard to keep pretending that everything is "OK" because I don't like people seeing me struggling. It is hard not being visited as much by neighbors, friends, and family, as if they think we have miraculously healed and don't need to be checked on. Its hard living day to day still wondering if there was something I could have done. It's hard not having you here. I miss my brother.

As October 26th is slowly creeping up on us, its hard to believe it has only been a year since you've been gone. One year down, eternity to go until I see your face again. At least that's how it feels. It's actually crazy how fast the year has gone by, but it still feels like you've been gone for a lot longer than that.

One of your friends posted the most beautiful poem on your memorial page. I immediately broke down because as I was reading it in my mind, I heard your voice saying each word. It was literally as if you were telling me the poem. It couldn't have come at a better time, too. I was feeling very lonely and empty the morning I read it. It gave me the strength I needed to go about the rest of my day in comfort.

(Thank you so much Ashley for posting this!!)

 I know you are up there watching over us. I KNOW it. I know you come to me in dreams when Heavenly Father knows I can handle it. I know the things I see or think throughout the day are sent to me from Heaven to always remember you and keep the memory of you alive. Even though I don't know how I could ever forget you. I promise I won't, as long as you promise to never forget me, either.

I love you so much Danny. I can't wait to touch your beautiful face and feel the warmth of your arms around me again. That will truly be the most amazing and incredible reunion.

Love Always,

Talysa

5/24/2012

Dear Danny, 

I am getting really bad at writing to you! I know you aren't mad at me for it though.

I miss you. Like always. I feel like it's getting worse though. I've been crying so much lately! Almost as much as that horrible day. I think it mostly has to do with your birthday.

Your birthday was not fun. It was great to have so many people over that love and care about you and the family, but you could definitely feel your absence. I was being good about not crying until I goofed and looked at your scrapbook. In the back of the book it showed an outline of your funeral service. That got me. It kinda just hit me for the 1,000th time that you were gone. I thought that getting hit once would do the trick but apparently I go into some kind of denial, thinking you aren't really on the other side.

Anyways, when I started crying looking at your scrapbook, I went inside to wipe my eyes. Then I lost it. It was the perfect time because I was alone. That is the time I allow myself to cry the most. I don't want people to see weakness in me when I'm trying so hard to be strong, day after day! When I composed myself, I went into the kitchen where I saw mom and lost it yet again, only this time I cried hard. I felt a little silly because everyone outside could probably see me through the window, but I didn't care. I needed to do two things: Cry and Hug my mom. And it helped for a minute, anyways.

We went back out to light your cake and sing to you. We were trying to decide who was going to blow out your candles. I wanted so badly to run back inside and lock myself in the bathroom and just cry more. But I kept it together until we started singing. I couldn't sing. I tried. I opened my mouth but all that came out was air. I started crying again and when the song was over, many more were crying as well. No one was blowing out the candles so I blew them out for you. I felt funny doing that because we would always get mad at each other for blowing out the others candles! But this time, we had no choice. Someone else had to do it.

After we all had some cake/pie, we went to the cemetery to light off floating lanterns! I, surprisingly, didn't cry anymore that night. I got a very peaceful feeling watching the lanterns fly away. Watching them reminded me of you in a way. We light the little flammable block, wait for the lantern to be filled with hot air, then let it go and watch it float away. Well, saying that the flammable block and fire was your illness, because of it, you were filled with emotion, anger, hatred, doubt, and pain (The warm air). Once you were completely full, you couldn't hold on anymore so you let go. Setting yourself free from all the hurt you floated, flew, and drifted away to a better place. 

No one could ever imagine what was going on in your mind in your final hours, days, or months. No one could ever grasp the amount pain you were in for 8 years. No one can imagine what it was like to feel like your life was so limited because of a HORRIBLE chronic illness. No one can know what it was like to push away the goals and dreams that you had for yourself because of the illness. And because of this, no one has the right to judge any of your decisions, even when you were alive.

I love you so much. I think about you everyday and even more when I dream about you! The hole in my heart isn't getting any smaller, but I hope that it will slowly stop hurting. I know the pain will never go away. I don't want it to. That to me sounds like I have forgotten or replaced you. This yearning for you will never decease. I need it there to remind me of what I need to do to see you again. And I WILL see you again. It's just a matter of time. And all I can do is wait. Even though the waiting is getting harder and feels longer everyday. 

My faith shakes every once in a while. I think its only natural though. Its tough times like these that make me question if there really is an afterlife, if I really will see you again. But once I question it, I feel silly because I already know the answer. Can't get mad at me for doubting sometimes though. The doubt doesn't last long. Usually only a few minutes at the most. But I find comfort where I should. In Heavenly Father and all the resources He has given us. Its amazing what you can find when actually searching for answers, not just to read because you should.

I have no doubt that I will see you again, and like I said, that day will be more than glorious.

I love you.

Love Always,
Talysa

4/26/12

Dear Danny,

6 months ago today was the start of the most unbelievable nightmare. A nightmare I still hope and pray to wake up from. Here, 6 months seems like an Eternity, but that is nothing compared to how long it feels like til the next time I will be able to see you again.

6 months. 26 weeks.182 days. 4368 hours.

That is how long it has been since you left us here in complete darkness.

It still hurts. Everyday. And I only feel myself getting weaker. I cry a lot lately, and sometimes I'm even taken back from it. I don't feel it coming half the time. I feel overly sensitive with somethings. Me and Kellen fell asleep to Mr. Deeds last night and there was a funeral scene. I forced myself to close my eyes during that part. I don't know why things like that are getting to me so easily! It's frustrating, really. I want this to be over. I can't be strong forever, but I have to try. Even if it takes all that I have. 

I've been listening to a song by Miranda Lambert a lot lately. It doesn't help the hurt, but at the same time, it brings me comfort because of how much I can relate to it. Of course, I change a few words, but for the most part, it is perfect for how I and many, many others feel.

Here are the lyrics:

Over You

Weather man said it's gonna snow

By now I should be used to the cold

Mid-February shouldn't be so scary

It was only December

I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you.

They say I'll be OK 

But I'm not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place

I think of you, and I'm not afraid

Your favorite records make me feel better

Cause you sing along

With every song

I know you didn't mean to give them to me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone.

Cause you went away,

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you.

Having you gone feels like a nail is being hammered in my heart. I truly believe you didn't mean to leave us and put us through this Hell, but it doesn't matter. The pain is still unbearable. I really hope you are doing all that you can to get to where you need to be so we can spend Eternity together. Please continue to visit me in my dreams. I love hearing your voice more than anything and I NEED to continue to hear it. It is very comforting.

I love you Danny. More and more everyday. I can't imagine what our reunion will be like!! I am looking so forward to it, and it can't come soon enough. I miss you like crazy.

Love Always,

Talysa

03/29/12

Dear Danny,
It has been such a long time since I have written you a letter, but you are still constantly on my mind.
I'm hurting. My heart is aching for you so badly, and there is nothing that will make the ache go away. Not yet anyways. The pain in my heart grows into headaches, stomach aches, and makes it harder to breathe.
That is the exact pain I felt on my wedding day. You were in the Temple though. The officiant even said so himself (only in a more spiritual way). He knew nothing about you before we went in the room but he sure felt inspired to say that you, and other loved ones on the other side, were there. I knew you wouldn't miss it.
The Officiant was amazing, Danny. The words he spoke were clear, true, and beautiful. Something he said that confirmed you were in the room was a long the lines of "Our Heavenly Father gives special privileges to His children on the other side that allows them to be a part of this special ordinance." You were given that privilege. I know it. I felt you there just as much as I felt the others in the room staring at me. Thank you, Danny.
Then the hard stuff started. Pictures. It was fine until the sibling pictures. I didn't cry, but I definitely felt a little empty, since there was truly someone missing.
I want so bad to hug you, hear your voice, kiss your cheek. It's driving me absolutely crazy that I cannot do that.
I had a dream about you not too long ago. I feel bittersweet about dreaming of you. I loved it because I can see you and hear your voice but I hated it because I woke up longing to see you even more. But you told me in your dream, with the biggest smile I've ever seen, that you finally had all your strength back. I knew that was you telling me from the other side. You came and visited me just like I asked you to. Thank you for that, also.
Having Kellen with me almost 24/7 has definitely made the coping process easier. I haven't broken down in front of him for a while, but that is because he gets my mind off things. Also, we got a puppy! We've only had her for 2 days but she definitely keeps me busy!!! You would love her! She is just simply adorable. I love her so much.
I'm sorry this is short and sweet. I miss you like crazy and will every single day until I see you again. I love you, don't you ever forget it.

"May Angels Lead You In"
Love Always,
Talysa

2/9/12

Dear Danny,
I MISS YOU.
Those 3 words will never be able to fully express what I actually feel inside. I still feel as though my life has slowed down significantly. Even with everything going on, it still, somehow, seems to drag. This month will be 4 months since you've been gone. 4 months! Why does it seem so much longer than that! I know I say it a lot, but it literally feels like years! I have never gone this long without seeing you before and the only word I can think of to describe my emotions is HATE.
First of all, I don't hate you. I could never hate you because I don't really know what was going on in your precious mind. But I do hate that you are gone. I hate not seeing you. I hate not hearing your voice. I hate how you left us. I hate that you didn't say goodbye. I hate that I didn't tell you that I loved you one last time. I hate that I didn't hug you the night before. I hate that I didn't wake up that night. I hate that there is no way I could have possibly done anything to make you change your mind.
Unfortunately, the last few times I have been in your room, I have been crying angry tears. I feel like I am in the "angry" stage of the mourning process, if there is such a thing. I wasn't angry before. I was hurt and confused, no doubt, but anger was the last thing I wanted to feel. I guess the confusion just kept building up and now I get it out in an angry way. I don't want to be angry though. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve to see me break in such an awful way. But for some reason, I can't help it.
There are times where I physically feel pressure on my shoulders. Like I'm carrying a lot of unnecessary weight around. But I have discovered that those are the times that I have held in or pushed away my tears for too long. I break down HARD on those days. Even ask mom. All I have to do is hug her and I'm bawling for several minutes. And I don't mean a few tears here and there. I literally mean streams of tears, fast/heavy breathing, and shaking. This seems to happen at least 4 times a month which might not sound like much, but when you break it down, that is at least once a week. Which all the sudden sounds like more.
I will just hurry and say thank you for a particular experience, though. Last Sunday when Mormon Times was doing a story about Melea Oman, I was watching the episode on the Facebook page with Mom behind me and Dad beside me. I started getting a little uneasy feeling because the song "Be Still My Soul" started playing. I started crying and then I felt an arm around my shoulder. I kind of glanced behind me because Mom was standing there, but I noticed it wasn't her arm around me. It wasn't Dads either. It was yours. I knew it the second I realized Moms arms were folded. I FELT your arms around me. Something I have been longing for since October 26th. I knew you were comforting me, Danny. You were in the room with us. Watching the little video, too. I will NEVER forget that moment, ever.
I just want to end this letter with a quote. I don't know who it is by, but it is beautiful. I love you so much, Danny. I really hope you know that. My heart only aches when it beats. I don't think you knew how much you meant to me, which is my fault for not showing/telling you. I regret that everyday. I guess that just means I'm not going to go a day without hugging or kissing you and telling you how much I love you when I see you again.

"I thought of you with love
today but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart."

Love Always,
Talysa

1/13/12

Dear Danny,
I sure do miss you. It has been really hard ever since Christmas. Well its been hard since day 1, but the Holiday sucked. It was actually a little worse than I was expecting. Mostly because I didn't even know what to expect!!! I've never had to brace myself for anything like this before, and I didn't think I'd ever have to. But I'm not going to lie, Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas were the hardest for me. Those are our family days. I mean, I still cried on Christmas Day, but not as much as the day after at the Family party. It was strange. I could really tell that you were not there, physically. The feeling of you being gone got 10x worse. I'm glad there are over 300 days til I have to do that again. But I bet other days coming up will be harder.
I find myself going into your room a lot lately. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm sitting on your bed until I make myself stop thinking. I just wander in. And of course, every time I walk in, I start bawling. It has kind of turned into a routine. I stare at your picture and just talk to you. I mostly ask you "Why?" and try to come up with a reason of my own, but I always leave the room just as confused as when I entered.
None of this makes sense to me, and I know it won't make sense until I see you again. But then I start to think about how it might have been an accident, and I wonder if you are just as confused as I am. I know you were playing with fire, and you knew it too, but it just went a little too far that time. I wonder if you are angry at yourself. Sometimes I wish you are, but if I could pick anywhere in the entire universe that I would rather be than this place called Earth, it would be Heaven. You are happy, healthy, and worry free. You don't have to wonder what will happen with your health in the future.
You don't have to be scared anymore.
I have realized that I hate being alone. It doesn't matter where I am, as soon as I'm alone, my thoughts go to you. Even the drive to work every morning. If I have someone with me, I can easily be distracted from thinking about you which I have come to accept that that might be a good thing. Otherwise I would dwell and cry 24/7.
I have felt so much stress lately. It's almost overwhelming. Between you being gone, the wedding, and mine and Kellen's adventure of buying a house, I feel exhausted and worn out all the time. The days seem to drag a little. But all I can do is keep pushing forward. I still have to remind myself to breathe sometimes when things become too much, or when I'm constantly thinking about you.
I feel as if this is only getting harder. I've never gone this long without seeing you. I am clinging onto all of our fun last times together. I still shudder a little as I walk into Phlebotomy class, and the instructors can tell I'm a little uncomfortable. But they are very understanding and know just what to say. Even driving to Phlebotomy the other night, I was late and I was just imagining what you would be saying to me about it. How I needed to speed up because we were late EVERY time. Or when I missed every single green light, you would groan and say "Every light? I can't believe we always miss the green lights!" When I went to the Jazz game the other night when they were playing the Lakers, I couldn't help but think what you would be saying about the game the entire time. All the profanities that would be coming out of your mouth.. =]
I miss you. You took a huge piece of my heart with you when you left me and it hurts every second of everyday. Please watch over and protect me... I need you. Always.
I love you so much!
Love Always,
Talysa