Dear Danny,
So many thoughts are running through my head as I write after almost 2 years.. I don't know what has been keeping me away from here. I really don't have an excuse. Aria is busy but there is still a lot of down time between her sleeping and keeping herself busy, I could definitely write something. I don't work that often and even at work I have slow days where I could say something. I think its mostly because writing here makes me think about you more than ever. I re-read my previous posts and think about everything that has been going on without you for the past almost 4 years. All I know is that this really does help me feel better. Somehow putting words on paper (or in the computer, rather) helps me cope and feel better for a little bit. I feel like I'm finally able to tell you what I've been holding inside for quite some time.
My heart is still just as broken as ever. I still find myself asking "why" and "what if". It's a terrible thought, thinking there was probably some way I could have saved you, but feeling like I didn't try hard enough.. I could have done something different the day before. I could have hugged you, told you I loved you, and let you know that you were truly my best friend and so important to me. I wonder if it would have made any difference at all.
I hope you continue to feel the love I have for you. This love is everlasting.
There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you..
I break down more often lately. Everything seems to remind me of you. Smells, lyrics, sounds, songs, cars, colors, hairstyles, clothes, people... The list goes on. Sometimes I smell your cologne and I find myself looking for you, hoping I have finally woken up from this nightmare, but you're never there, and this is my reality now.
I hurt. And everyday is a struggle. I've mastered hiding my pain. I want to appear strong. I can only imagine the looks I'd get from people if I cried as often as I feel I could. 3 1/2 years and it's still just as hard as the first day. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep this mask on. I feel it slipping off every once in a while.
I love you so much. You will always mean the world to me. I will always look up to you. I will continue to learn from you, and pray for you. I ask that you come visit me in my dreams. It has been way too long since I've heard your voice..
"They say I'll be OK, but I'm not going to ever get over you..."
Love Always,
Talysa
