Dear Danny,
I MISS YOU.
Those 3 words will never be able to fully express what I actually feel inside. I still feel as though my life has slowed down significantly. Even with everything going on, it still, somehow, seems to drag. This month will be 4 months since you've been gone. 4 months! Why does it seem so much longer than that! I know I say it a lot, but it literally feels like years! I have never gone this long without seeing you before and the only word I can think of to describe my emotions is HATE.
First of all, I don't hate you. I could never hate you because I don't really know what was going on in your precious mind. But I do hate that you are gone. I hate not seeing you. I hate not hearing your voice. I hate how you left us. I hate that you didn't say goodbye. I hate that I didn't tell you that I loved you one last time. I hate that I didn't hug you the night before. I hate that I didn't wake up that night. I hate that there is no way I could have possibly done anything to make you change your mind.
Unfortunately, the last few times I have been in your room, I have been crying angry tears. I feel like I am in the "angry" stage of the mourning process, if there is such a thing. I wasn't angry before. I was hurt and confused, no doubt, but anger was the last thing I wanted to feel. I guess the confusion just kept building up and now I get it out in an angry way. I don't want to be angry though. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve to see me break in such an awful way. But for some reason, I can't help it.
There are times where I physically feel pressure on my shoulders. Like I'm carrying a lot of unnecessary weight around. But I have discovered that those are the times that I have held in or pushed away my tears for too long. I break down HARD on those days. Even ask mom. All I have to do is hug her and I'm bawling for several minutes. And I don't mean a few tears here and there. I literally mean streams of tears, fast/heavy breathing, and shaking. This seems to happen at least 4 times a month which might not sound like much, but when you break it down, that is at least once a week. Which all the sudden sounds like more.
I will just hurry and say thank you for a particular experience, though. Last Sunday when Mormon Times was doing a story about Melea Oman, I was watching the episode on the Facebook page with Mom behind me and Dad beside me. I started getting a little uneasy feeling because the song "Be Still My Soul" started playing. I started crying and then I felt an arm around my shoulder. I kind of glanced behind me because Mom was standing there, but I noticed it wasn't her arm around me. It wasn't Dads either. It was yours. I knew it the second I realized Moms arms were folded. I FELT your arms around me. Something I have been longing for since October 26th. I knew you were comforting me, Danny. You were in the room with us. Watching the little video, too. I will NEVER forget that moment, ever.
I just want to end this letter with a quote. I don't know who it is by, but it is beautiful. I love you so much, Danny. I really hope you know that. My heart only aches when it beats. I don't think you knew how much you meant to me, which is my fault for not showing/telling you. I regret that everyday. I guess that just means I'm not going to go a day without hugging or kissing you and telling you how much I love you when I see you again.
"I thought of you with love
today but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart."
Love Always,
Talysa
I MISS YOU.
Those 3 words will never be able to fully express what I actually feel inside. I still feel as though my life has slowed down significantly. Even with everything going on, it still, somehow, seems to drag. This month will be 4 months since you've been gone. 4 months! Why does it seem so much longer than that! I know I say it a lot, but it literally feels like years! I have never gone this long without seeing you before and the only word I can think of to describe my emotions is HATE.
First of all, I don't hate you. I could never hate you because I don't really know what was going on in your precious mind. But I do hate that you are gone. I hate not seeing you. I hate not hearing your voice. I hate how you left us. I hate that you didn't say goodbye. I hate that I didn't tell you that I loved you one last time. I hate that I didn't hug you the night before. I hate that I didn't wake up that night. I hate that there is no way I could have possibly done anything to make you change your mind.
Unfortunately, the last few times I have been in your room, I have been crying angry tears. I feel like I am in the "angry" stage of the mourning process, if there is such a thing. I wasn't angry before. I was hurt and confused, no doubt, but anger was the last thing I wanted to feel. I guess the confusion just kept building up and now I get it out in an angry way. I don't want to be angry though. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve to see me break in such an awful way. But for some reason, I can't help it.
There are times where I physically feel pressure on my shoulders. Like I'm carrying a lot of unnecessary weight around. But I have discovered that those are the times that I have held in or pushed away my tears for too long. I break down HARD on those days. Even ask mom. All I have to do is hug her and I'm bawling for several minutes. And I don't mean a few tears here and there. I literally mean streams of tears, fast/heavy breathing, and shaking. This seems to happen at least 4 times a month which might not sound like much, but when you break it down, that is at least once a week. Which all the sudden sounds like more.
I will just hurry and say thank you for a particular experience, though. Last Sunday when Mormon Times was doing a story about Melea Oman, I was watching the episode on the Facebook page with Mom behind me and Dad beside me. I started getting a little uneasy feeling because the song "Be Still My Soul" started playing. I started crying and then I felt an arm around my shoulder. I kind of glanced behind me because Mom was standing there, but I noticed it wasn't her arm around me. It wasn't Dads either. It was yours. I knew it the second I realized Moms arms were folded. I FELT your arms around me. Something I have been longing for since October 26th. I knew you were comforting me, Danny. You were in the room with us. Watching the little video, too. I will NEVER forget that moment, ever.
I just want to end this letter with a quote. I don't know who it is by, but it is beautiful. I love you so much, Danny. I really hope you know that. My heart only aches when it beats. I don't think you knew how much you meant to me, which is my fault for not showing/telling you. I regret that everyday. I guess that just means I'm not going to go a day without hugging or kissing you and telling you how much I love you when I see you again.
"I thought of you with love
today but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart."
Love Always,
Talysa
