12/18/11

Dear Danny,
I miss you. Everyday.
It's still, even after almost 2 months, hard to believe that you are gone. I still wish it was a dream because the reality hurts too much. But sooner or later I have to accept it. I think that is my problem. I feel like accepting the truth will make me sound like I'm OK with it in a way. I'm NOT OK with it. Nor will I ever be. It is still hard to move on, though. And the good things we have to look forward to won't be as "good" as they're supposed to be if you aren't there with us. Honestly, I'm dreading those days.
Christmas will never be the same. I'm not ready for this Holiday to come. I really want to go to sleep on the 23rd and wake up on the 26th. I want to skip Christmas. But I can't. I have to live through it. And I have to be strong. There will be new traditions like a big Christmas dinner, probably a time for crying and reminiscing, and plenty more that will now occur on Christmas day for years to come. It will be hard though. I can't imagine what it will be like without you, but I guess in a week I won't have to try to imagine anymore. I'll find out first hand.
My Wedding will be a bittersweet day. I'm more than excited to marry my best friend, but I won't have my other best friend there with me. I'm scared that I will be a mess on that beautiful day because I won't stop thinking about your absence.. Yes, I have Jeff, and I'm so grateful I still have him, but it won't be the same just having one brother there. I never thought MY day, that is supposed to be so wonderful, would be full of mixed emotions.
Then again, I never thought I'd have to create a blog like this either.
I'm not excited for your birthday. It is just a reminder of how young you are and how much life you still had ahead of you. It will remind us of all the time you still had to learn about everything and all the experiences you have missed out on. It will remind the parents of how amazing the day was that they first held you in their arms, even though they had 3 before you. You were still an incredible gift to them. Again, it will be a time of new traditions. Tears, lanterns, maybe balloons. Definitely heartache.
Heartache- Something I have come to understand the meaning of in the most unfortunate way. Growing up, I always thought it had the same meaning, just in different situations. Missing someone. When I was really young, I used to sing to mom's picture when she went to church meetings, sometimes I would cry because I missed her so much, but eventually she would come back and I would be healed. Break ups gave me a bit of a heartache too, or maybe it was a headache? Anyways, I would eventually find someone else to occupy my time, and now that I have Kellen, I am healed in that sense too. But losing you is the one heartache that can't be cured by anyone or anything. At least not for a while. I know you aren't just at a meeting and coming home soon. I can't find someone else to occupy my time. The only way I am slightly cured is by spending time with Jeff. Being with him has meant a lot to me these past few months. It has really helped me cope with the loss of you because Jeff reminds me of you in some ways. He's unique and completely 100% himself, but there are somethings that he says that remind me of you. But I love him so much and I'm very grateful to still have him in my life.
I never stop thinking about you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I hurt everyday. I know that the 2nd Coming really isn't that far away, but it sure feels like it is. At least now that you're gone. Please stay with me forever, I need you.
Love Always,
Talysa

12/9/11

Dear Danny,
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm really sorry. I know I still talk to you all the time, so it isn't like this is the only form of communication I have with you.
I broke down for the first time in a while on Monday. I don't know what happened. I was seriously just fine. I was even thinking about you earlier, but I was driving home from work and debating to either get off on the state street exit or go on the belt route for I-15. Then I started trying to figure out when the last time I actually got off on the state street exit was. It was that dark, gloomy, dreadful, yet peaceful day. I started remembering how I felt that whole drive home after I found out you passed away, and how I felt when I saw the cop cars in front of our house. I even gave myself anxiety when I turned onto our street just from thinking about it.
Oh Danny, that was a horrible day... and I thought by now I would be able to write about it, but I still can't do it. It's still a little too personal, even though I pretty much already have all my feelings out on the table.
Anyways, on Monday when I got home from work, I laid on your bed for about an hour just sobbing and smelling the pillow that still smells like you. I totally lost it. I cried the entire time I was laying on your bed. I don't know if I thought that I was lucky for being the only one home or if I had wished Mom and Kelsi had been there. Not that it matters though because I broke down later that night in Mom's arms, too.
I asked Dad and Kellen to give me yet another blessing, and it comforted me right away. It was an amazing feeling. I was able to stop crying for the rest of the night and I was actually laughing not long after, too. The Comforter is such an amazing gift! I have never felt closer to the Lord than I have the past month and a half. I truly know He loves and cares for me. He knows the pain I am feeling. I keep thinking about the saying "God doesn't give you trials you can't handle" and I just think about how confident the Lord is in me. As long as I am living worthily, I WILL make it through this! And He knows it. I must have more strength than I thought. This whole trial has also made me realize the truth behind the quote:
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
And it's so true!
I have learned so much about myself while going through this. I have gained confidence and self respect. I have learned my strengths and weaknesses. I have learned how to cope in certain situations and what not to do in the same scenarios. I have gained a much stronger testimony of the Atonement, Our Fathers Love, Family, Service, and The Holy Ghost. I have even been looking at people with a whole different perspective. I wish upon everyone I see while driving to work that they are having a good day and that nothing bad happens to them. I pray that no one has to feel the pain I feel. I pray that everyone knows how much they are loved and how much they are cared about. I tell people I love them more. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt if they are being difficult. You just never know what is going on in someones life.
I miss you. I think about you almost every second of everyday. This whole "not being able to see you" thing is really getting old, but it still feels like I won't see you for another million years. I don't think I can wait that long, but I will try. Luckily I have a few good things to look forward to! The only thing is that it doesn't matter how good the future events will be, YOU WON'T BE THERE. And that will make my heart hurt even more on those days. But I'll have to deal with it. There is nothing I can do.
I love you, so much.
Love Always,
Talysa