Dear Danny,
I am getting really bad at writing to you! I know you aren't mad at me for it though.
I miss you. Like always. I feel like it's getting worse though. I've been crying so much lately! Almost as much as that horrible day. I think it mostly has to do with your birthday.
Your birthday was not fun. It was great to have so many people over that love and care about you and the family, but you could definitely feel your absence. I was being good about not crying until I goofed and looked at your scrapbook. In the back of the book it showed an outline of your funeral service. That got me. It kinda just hit me for the 1,000th time that you were gone. I thought that getting hit once would do the trick but apparently I go into some kind of denial, thinking you aren't really on the other side.
Anyways, when I started crying looking at your scrapbook, I went inside to wipe my eyes. Then I lost it. It was the perfect time because I was alone. That is the time I allow myself to cry the most. I don't want people to see weakness in me when I'm trying so hard to be strong, day after day! When I composed myself, I went into the kitchen where I saw mom and lost it yet again, only this time I cried hard. I felt a little silly because everyone outside could probably see me through the window, but I didn't care. I needed to do two things: Cry and Hug my mom. And it helped for a minute, anyways.
We went back out to light your cake and sing to you. We were trying to decide who was going to blow out your candles. I wanted so badly to run back inside and lock myself in the bathroom and just cry more. But I kept it together until we started singing. I couldn't sing. I tried. I opened my mouth but all that came out was air. I started crying again and when the song was over, many more were crying as well. No one was blowing out the candles so I blew them out for you. I felt funny doing that because we would always get mad at each other for blowing out the others candles! But this time, we had no choice. Someone else had to do it.
After we all had some cake/pie, we went to the cemetery to light off floating lanterns! I, surprisingly, didn't cry anymore that night. I got a very peaceful feeling watching the lanterns fly away. Watching them reminded me of you in a way. We light the little flammable block, wait for the lantern to be filled with hot air, then let it go and watch it float away. Well, saying that the flammable block and fire was your illness, because of it, you were filled with emotion, anger, hatred, doubt, and pain (The warm air). Once you were completely full, you couldn't hold on anymore so you let go. Setting yourself free from all the hurt you floated, flew, and drifted away to a better place.
No one could ever imagine what was going on in your mind in your final hours, days, or months. No one could ever grasp the amount pain you were in for 8 years. No one can imagine what it was like to feel like your life was so limited because of a HORRIBLE chronic illness. No one can know what it was like to push away the goals and dreams that you had for yourself because of the illness. And because of this, no one has the right to judge any of your decisions, even when you were alive.
I love you so much. I think about you everyday and even more when I dream about you! The hole in my heart isn't getting any smaller, but I hope that it will slowly stop hurting. I know the pain will never go away. I don't want it to. That to me sounds like I have forgotten or replaced you. This yearning for you will never decease. I need it there to remind me of what I need to do to see you again. And I WILL see you again. It's just a matter of time. And all I can do is wait. Even though the waiting is getting harder and feels longer everyday.
My faith shakes every once in a while. I think its only natural though. Its tough times like these that make me question if there really is an afterlife, if I really will see you again. But once I question it, I feel silly because I already know the answer. Can't get mad at me for doubting sometimes though. The doubt doesn't last long. Usually only a few minutes at the most. But I find comfort where I should. In Heavenly Father and all the resources He has given us. Its amazing what you can find when actually searching for answers, not just to read because you should.
I have no doubt that I will see you again, and like I said, that day will be more than glorious.
I love you.
Love Always,
Talysa
Love Always,
Talysa
