12/18/11

Dear Danny,
I miss you. Everyday.
It's still, even after almost 2 months, hard to believe that you are gone. I still wish it was a dream because the reality hurts too much. But sooner or later I have to accept it. I think that is my problem. I feel like accepting the truth will make me sound like I'm OK with it in a way. I'm NOT OK with it. Nor will I ever be. It is still hard to move on, though. And the good things we have to look forward to won't be as "good" as they're supposed to be if you aren't there with us. Honestly, I'm dreading those days.
Christmas will never be the same. I'm not ready for this Holiday to come. I really want to go to sleep on the 23rd and wake up on the 26th. I want to skip Christmas. But I can't. I have to live through it. And I have to be strong. There will be new traditions like a big Christmas dinner, probably a time for crying and reminiscing, and plenty more that will now occur on Christmas day for years to come. It will be hard though. I can't imagine what it will be like without you, but I guess in a week I won't have to try to imagine anymore. I'll find out first hand.
My Wedding will be a bittersweet day. I'm more than excited to marry my best friend, but I won't have my other best friend there with me. I'm scared that I will be a mess on that beautiful day because I won't stop thinking about your absence.. Yes, I have Jeff, and I'm so grateful I still have him, but it won't be the same just having one brother there. I never thought MY day, that is supposed to be so wonderful, would be full of mixed emotions.
Then again, I never thought I'd have to create a blog like this either.
I'm not excited for your birthday. It is just a reminder of how young you are and how much life you still had ahead of you. It will remind us of all the time you still had to learn about everything and all the experiences you have missed out on. It will remind the parents of how amazing the day was that they first held you in their arms, even though they had 3 before you. You were still an incredible gift to them. Again, it will be a time of new traditions. Tears, lanterns, maybe balloons. Definitely heartache.
Heartache- Something I have come to understand the meaning of in the most unfortunate way. Growing up, I always thought it had the same meaning, just in different situations. Missing someone. When I was really young, I used to sing to mom's picture when she went to church meetings, sometimes I would cry because I missed her so much, but eventually she would come back and I would be healed. Break ups gave me a bit of a heartache too, or maybe it was a headache? Anyways, I would eventually find someone else to occupy my time, and now that I have Kellen, I am healed in that sense too. But losing you is the one heartache that can't be cured by anyone or anything. At least not for a while. I know you aren't just at a meeting and coming home soon. I can't find someone else to occupy my time. The only way I am slightly cured is by spending time with Jeff. Being with him has meant a lot to me these past few months. It has really helped me cope with the loss of you because Jeff reminds me of you in some ways. He's unique and completely 100% himself, but there are somethings that he says that remind me of you. But I love him so much and I'm very grateful to still have him in my life.
I never stop thinking about you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I hurt everyday. I know that the 2nd Coming really isn't that far away, but it sure feels like it is. At least now that you're gone. Please stay with me forever, I need you.
Love Always,
Talysa

12/9/11

Dear Danny,
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm really sorry. I know I still talk to you all the time, so it isn't like this is the only form of communication I have with you.
I broke down for the first time in a while on Monday. I don't know what happened. I was seriously just fine. I was even thinking about you earlier, but I was driving home from work and debating to either get off on the state street exit or go on the belt route for I-15. Then I started trying to figure out when the last time I actually got off on the state street exit was. It was that dark, gloomy, dreadful, yet peaceful day. I started remembering how I felt that whole drive home after I found out you passed away, and how I felt when I saw the cop cars in front of our house. I even gave myself anxiety when I turned onto our street just from thinking about it.
Oh Danny, that was a horrible day... and I thought by now I would be able to write about it, but I still can't do it. It's still a little too personal, even though I pretty much already have all my feelings out on the table.
Anyways, on Monday when I got home from work, I laid on your bed for about an hour just sobbing and smelling the pillow that still smells like you. I totally lost it. I cried the entire time I was laying on your bed. I don't know if I thought that I was lucky for being the only one home or if I had wished Mom and Kelsi had been there. Not that it matters though because I broke down later that night in Mom's arms, too.
I asked Dad and Kellen to give me yet another blessing, and it comforted me right away. It was an amazing feeling. I was able to stop crying for the rest of the night and I was actually laughing not long after, too. The Comforter is such an amazing gift! I have never felt closer to the Lord than I have the past month and a half. I truly know He loves and cares for me. He knows the pain I am feeling. I keep thinking about the saying "God doesn't give you trials you can't handle" and I just think about how confident the Lord is in me. As long as I am living worthily, I WILL make it through this! And He knows it. I must have more strength than I thought. This whole trial has also made me realize the truth behind the quote:
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
And it's so true!
I have learned so much about myself while going through this. I have gained confidence and self respect. I have learned my strengths and weaknesses. I have learned how to cope in certain situations and what not to do in the same scenarios. I have gained a much stronger testimony of the Atonement, Our Fathers Love, Family, Service, and The Holy Ghost. I have even been looking at people with a whole different perspective. I wish upon everyone I see while driving to work that they are having a good day and that nothing bad happens to them. I pray that no one has to feel the pain I feel. I pray that everyone knows how much they are loved and how much they are cared about. I tell people I love them more. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt if they are being difficult. You just never know what is going on in someones life.
I miss you. I think about you almost every second of everyday. This whole "not being able to see you" thing is really getting old, but it still feels like I won't see you for another million years. I don't think I can wait that long, but I will try. Luckily I have a few good things to look forward to! The only thing is that it doesn't matter how good the future events will be, YOU WON'T BE THERE. And that will make my heart hurt even more on those days. But I'll have to deal with it. There is nothing I can do.
I love you, so much.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/28/11

Dear Danny,

It's been such a long month without you. I don't know when it's going to get easier to handle, but it definitely isn't easier yet. Some days seem to have the illusion that they are easier than others. Not that it's easy to get you off my mind, that will never be the case, but because some days I have more distractions. However, it's getting to the point where just the slightest glance at your picture makes me tear up. Thinking about you has gotten a little bit under control, as in I don't cry every time I think of you. You are still #1 on my mind, though.

There are times where it will randomly hit me that you're gone. I will be just fine and then all of the sudden, out of nowhere the words "My brother is dead" pop into my mind. These are words I never thought I'd have running through my mind on a daily basis. But they ARE in my mind because you ARE gone.

I don't like thinking about what the future will be like without you. Christmas, my wedding, family parties, your birthday. What about when I have kids? Where will their Uncle be? I don't want to go through all that with you not here. This first Holiday without you was more than I could bare. I might look like I'm doing alright, but I'm not. I might act like the pain in my heart isn't practically killing me, but it is. I miss you. Yes, it gives me comfort to know that I will see you again, but I want to see you today, right now! I want to be able to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug. I want to be able to tell you that I love you and know that you hear it.

I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can. I talk to you all the time, out loud and to myself. I have yet to feel you around me, but I won't give up hope. I know you'll let yourself known at the times I need it most, or as often as you're allowed. But I can't stop thinking about the Bruno Mars song: "Every night I'm talking to the moon, trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too, or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon? I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away..."

Love Always,

Talysa

11/24/11

Dear Danny,

Today is Thanksgiving. The first Holiday without you. I thought of a list of what I'm grateful for, and while I'm grateful for so many things, today I'm mostly grateful for you.

I'm grateful for having a brother like you. I'm so happy that we chose to be siblings! My life would have been a lot different had I not had you in it. And although you would never admit it, your life would have been different without me too.

I'm grateful for all the fights we had. I truly think our fights made us closer. We were close without the fights, and we didn't fight very often, but it was good to see the other side of you. And I know that I was a little bit of a brat and whiney, you never let me live it down.

I'm grateful for all the deep conversations we ever had. Although we didn't have too many of these, we still had a few that I will never forget. I'm so glad that I could open up to you like that and share what I was feeling. I couldn't do that with too many people. I'm also glad that you felt like you could open up to me and tell me anything. Even though I know you still held a lot in, I got to see the true Danny for a minute. The Danny that had real feelings and emotions. The Danny that put his guard down and showed his vulnerability. I LOVE that Danny.

I'm grateful for us only being 2 years apart. I loved going to school with you. I would always look for you in the halls and at lunch. I was proud to have my awesome big brother with me almost 24/7. Another perk that came with being so close in age, we had a lot of the same friends. Even though I would just flirt with all your friends, I think we still had a pretty good time. I would bug you and annoy you all the time, but that was all out of love, and I hated being left out.

Like I said in previous letters, I'm so grateful for all the stupid games we played and made up. Those made amazing memories that I will always hold in my heart. I also love how we would talk and laugh about the silly games we played. We had fun times reminiscing about the good ol' days. It doesn't seem that long ago that you would play Barbies with me in the basement... Oops.. Should I not have let that secret out??

I'm grateful for the Danny before he got sick. You were the most fun-loving, free spirited, happy, compassionate, optimistic, care-free, laid back person I had ever met. You always went out with friends, made videos, would dance around, sing, wrestle with me, and you hung out with me more. You were fun to be around, made everyone laugh, especially when you were with Jeff, and always had a smile on your face.

I'm (semi) grateful for the Danny after he got sick, too. Not only did this change you physically, it changed you mentally. And although it wasn't the best change to occur, I think it was a lesson waiting to be learned. You never let yourself learn it though. You let your illness change your perspective on things. It wasn't all bad though. It opened up plenty of opportunities to find yourself and to search the gospel for answers, I just don't feel like you tried to do any of that. I saw a lot of true emotion from you after you got sick. But not only did your illness change you, it changed the family. We became more willing to serve. You were never a burden to us, only someone we loved who needed our attention and care. We never once regretted putting things aside to help you. We never once wished that we wouldn't have cancelled something so we could be with you. We loved all the time we spent with you, happy or sad, healthy or sick.

I'm grateful for your friendship. You weren't just my brother. You were my best friend. You were my childhood hero, someone I looked up to. You were my partner in crime, making mom mad. You were always there to hug me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me that you loved me, even if you were forced to do so. You were always in the room right next to me. I remember talking about how one time we wanted to somehow put a Mailbox between our walls so we could always write each other letters/notes and talk to each other without leaving our rooms. I wish our parents would have let us do that... It would have been awesome!

All that I'm trying to say in this one little letter can be summed up into 2 huge words.

...THANK YOU...

Thank you for being my brother. Thank you for never making me play alone. Thank you for being there with me while we walk to the bus stop. Thank you for occasionally holding my hand. Thank you for cuddling with me in Mom and Dads bed, while Mom was trying to make her bed. Thank you for not getting mad at me too much for following you and your friends around the house. Thank you for leaving the house with me, without leaving a note or wearing our coats. Thank you for helping me make Mom yell at us almost on a daily basis.

But most of all, Thank you for loving me as much as you could.

Today will suck without you, but we can't make it go away, only make it through. I love you and miss you everday. I pray for you every night. I hope you can feel the love I have for you in my heart. I will never forget, but only remember all the sweet, precious memories I have with you.

Love Always,

Talysa

11/20/11

Dear Danny,
There is a poem I wrote a few years ago when my friend Tricia passed away. I came across it before your funeral and it shocked me at how relevant some of the feelings in the poem were to this situation now. I wanted to re-write it and make it more about you.
So I did and I think I did a pretty good job.
Here is the new and improved poem, especially for you:

Dear Danny,

Disappointment lingers inside of me all day, everyday.
I want to be strong enough to live and let go,
But something is always preventing me from being able to.
As soon as I feel forgiveness for you, my heart reminds me why it aches.

I can't find the motivation to live to my fullest potential,
Knowing you weren't able to do so yourself.
Therefore it wouldn't be fair for me to do so.
Wouldn't it be nice to make you proud of me, though?

Nothing has ever hurt me this bad before.
Literally putting a stop to the world spinning around me.
It is as though I am cemented to the ground,
I am unable to move forward, and barely remembering to breathe.

Tears fill my eyes at the very thought of you.
I long to hear your voice just one more time.
The memories we've made continuously flood my mind,
Keeping me at some sort of ease until I can see you again.

Knowing I'll see you again brings comfort.
Knowing it won't be in this life, however, is troubling.
I can't seem to find a perfect balance.
Its unfair that I am forced to wait what seems an eternity to see you again.

Forcing a smile has never hurt so much.
Telling people "I'm OK" is the biggest lie I could possibly tell.
But the feeling I get when I know you are standing by me
Has never brought more peace, especially on the hardest days.

Although it seems almost impossible and unbearable,
I know I must try to accept the fact that you are really gone.
Moving forward is the healthiest thing I can do for myself,
Even though there will be a permanent scar on my heart.

So here I go into the cold, harsh world,
Doing things you were never able to experience,
But keeping in mind that you are in a much better place,
Where you are no longer in pain and can never be harmed again.

Until we meet again,
I pray that you continue to feel my love for you.
I can't wait til we meet at Jesus' feet.
My Brother. My Hero. My Friend.

Love Always,
Talysa

11/14/11

Dear Danny,
Today I went back to work. After breaking down last night, though, I didn't know if I could do it. But I did. And it was hard. I couldn't help but think about the last time I was at work... They day I lost you. I hope that one day I will be able to share my feelings that are bottled up about that day, but its still too fresh for that.
I broke down again today, though. Luckily it was during the last hour of my shift, and my Managers are so understanding. I went and talked to my friend Carly. She was so sweet and patient with me. She just held me as I cried on her shoulder. That was just what I needed. We talked about you for a few minutes, then we started talking about wedding plans! She offered to do my wedding flowers, which was so kind of her. I really appreciate all the love I'm getting during this whole thing. The drive home from work sucked too. I had to go a different way than I did last time because I didn't want to get the anxiety I had before.
It was good to get home and curl up on the couch for a minute. Kelsi, Mom, and I went to the cemetery again. I broke down while we were there too. It just doesn't seem to get any easier yet.
I went to our phlebotomy class tonight. I was dreading it. I really didn't want to be there without you, but luckily Beth and Amy were really understanding. Me and Amy talked for about 30 minutes about the Plan of Salvation, and being able to see you again. Then I got to talk to Beth for a minute. She talked briefly of you, then tried to get my mind off things by talking to me about the wedding and possible job opportunities for me. They are both great teachers, and they both said you were a great student.
I was so excited to start taking phlebotomy. I'm glad that I found a center that could train me so quickly. But when you told me you wanted to do it with me, my excitement shot up even more. I was so excited to have our Monday night class together! I knew that it would make us bond more. I remember taking a class together before, and even though I ended up dropping it, I loved spending the time with you.
Every night for the past 2 weeks, when we have our family prayer, I cry. It doesn't matter what is being said. I miss you. I can't help but notice the circle got smaller. And its not because you are out with friends, or that you're out with Mindy, or on a vacation. It's because you are gone. And it hits me every night. We are so much closer as a family now. Its unfortunate we have to go on without you, but we keep remembering that we have each other through this. Its comforting.
I love you.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/13/11

Dear Danny,
I lost it today. I cried. Hard. It felt as though it was the first day.
I miss you, Danny. I miss your hugs, your smiles, your laughter. I miss your smell, your voice, your friendship. I miss seeing you in the middle of the afternoon and hearing you come home at night. I miss watching you work with the kids who loved you so much. I miss you slapping my face, flicking me, and calling a loser. I miss you laughing at me when I say something stupid. I miss watching you hold Milly and seeing your love for her in your eyes. I miss hearing you sing in your room. I miss you yelling at me, chasing me around the house.
I miss the loud music waking me up at night. I miss hearing you cry yourself to sleep. I miss spending time with you. I miss having you with me in Phlebotomy. I miss driving around with you, talking to you, singing with you, and sometimes singing TO you.
I miss trying to hug you, trying to kiss you, telling you I love you. I miss seeing you. I miss texting you. I miss calling you. I miss writing you little notes of encouragement and love. I miss teasing you, joking around with you, making fun of mom with you.
I miss karaoke nights with you. I miss dancing with you. I miss having deep conversations with you. I miss trying to make you proud of me. I miss your "Gay Impersonations". I miss your sarcasm. I miss playing games with you. I miss trying to get information out of your for mom.
All I am trying to tell you is that I miss my Big Brother. I love you so much. I am not looking forward to my life without you physically in it, but you will always be in my mind and heart. And I know you will let yourself be known when I need to feel your love.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/12/11

Dear Danny,
I know that it has been days since I last wrote to you, and I apologize, but a lot has been going on. Zach Peffer took his life this past week, too. As soon as I found out, I prayed long and hard that you would watch over him and help him. You both need a little boost.
Today was his funeral. It felt like yours but 10x worse. It was so hard sitting through it! I cried so much because I was just thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you! You are the #1 person on my mind, but don't tell Kellen that. He might get jealous =]
I still can't grasp that you are gone. I think it is slowly hitting me and becoming more of a reality to me instead of a foggy haze, though. I've been breaking down a lot lately. Yesterday, Mom, Kelsi, and I saw Mindy at the cemetery when we went to visit you. I feel so bad for her. I put myself in her place for the first time. Holy Smokes! If anything were to happen to Kellen I would be absolutely devastated! I really don't know what I would do without him. He really is the love of my life, my other half, cheesy I know, but I don't know how else to explain it. If he were to just leave my life out of nowhere, I would be a mess. I would be an even bigger mess than Mindy, because she's better at being strong! She can keep it together for longer than I can. She is truly amazing!!
I love you so much. My heart continues to ache for you, but I know I will find peace and comfort soon enough!
Love Always,
Talysa

11/3/11

Dear Danny,
I miss you.
I haven't cried today, but that doesn't mean anything anymore. I want to be strong. I need you to remember that just because I don't dwell on you being gone doesn't mean I don't care. Because I do care more than I could ever express! I just need to find distractions so I won't mope around and lose myself. It is hard though. I promise you it's hard. I start to feel guilty when I think of other things, which is probably the reason why I keep telling you to remember I still care.
There's a weird noise I am hearing that sounds like the garage door is opening. For a split second I thought you had just gotten home. It's about that time you'd be getting home anyways. What a strange feeling to have while writing this letter to you. I guess that just goes to show that it hasn't fully hit me yet. Even after 8 days.
I over heard someone talking today about how it won't hit us until Holidays. And man, I don't doubt it! I'm already dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas! It will be hard not having you here for those major holidays. I might even be the only one home for Christmas, unless Kelsi and Joe sleep over. I'm not going to like that very much, being alone that is.
I love you so much. I hope you know that. Daniel told me at the cemetery that you would tell him at least once a week how much you loved me. I know you love me. I have always felt it, even when you didn't exactly say it. But you had your own way of telling me. I will always remember that time you left me a voicemail when I lived in Chicago. The voicemail said "Hey Talysa. Uhm, I just called to remind you that you're a butthead." That is all you said, but yet it meant the world to me. I am pretty sure I even started crying while listening to it because I knew you just wanted to call and talk to me. THAT was you expressing your love! I don't think I ever told you how much I loved that voicemail. I even listened to it a few times days after you called! I will never forget how amazing our relationship was, and I can't wait to pick up where we left off!
Love Always,
Talysa

11/2/11

Dear Danny,
Today was your funeral. That sure sucked. In a way, I am SO glad it is over! Not that this heartache will ever go away, but at least we got the big stuff over and done with. Now we just need to learn how to deal. That will be the hardest part.
I was surprisingly strong after the funeral, even though I bawled for a while before and at the beginning of the service. But I have realized that I need to be strong for Mom and Dad. I think about the pain I feel from losing my brother, but I then I put myself in their shoes. They lost a son! I can't imagine how that might feel. I can't remember seeing Dad so torn and Mom looking so fragile. This is definitely more heart breaking then what you did to them while you were on the earth. I'm not judging or blaming you, I just saw how sad they were with your choices. They NEVER stopped loving you though. EVER.
Danny, I am obviously never going to forget you, but I need you to know that I am going to stop dwelling on losing you. There really is no point in doing so. It won't get me anywhere I need to be, it will only let Satan take over my mind. But I am always going to hurt and I am always going to miss you, everyday for the rest of my life. I just want to get on with planning my wedding and preparing to be married. I cannot wait for that beautiful day! Kellen is absolutely, without a doubt my best friend. I can't wait until I am sealed to him for Eternity!
I really wish you could feel the love I have for the Gospel. I know with all my heart that it is truly the Plan of Happiness. I wish I never would have gone through my short stage of doubt, but you have to go through the bad to recognize and appreciate the good, right?
I am grateful for all my trials, up until this one. Maybe one day I will be able to look at this with gratitude, but I'm not seeing that time come anytime soon. How am I supposed to feel? Grateful that my big brother is dead? Yeah freaking right. I know that some good things will come from this, though. Already we have strengthened as a family and a ward. What I hope to become from this trial is a "rock" for others going through the same thing. My Patriarchal blessing does mention that my voice and testimony will be heard by many. Maybe this is what I need to do to be heard. I just wish it wasn't under certain circumstances.
I love you.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/1/2011

Dear Danny,
Today was your viewing. Talk about horrible! Ok, it actually wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. It did suck though. We got to see you, just as a family, a few hours before the view. THAT was hard! I'm so glad to know that you are not your body, because it looked nothing like you! Its amazing what your spirit does to you. It kind of comforts me, knowing that my spirit is really what makes me, me. NOT my body! We both know that I've been struggling for years with my body image, but I will have you know that Kellen has been helping me see the amazing person that I am, beyond my physical features.
Danny, Kellen is such an amazing guy! I wish you would have gotten to know him more, but I know you'll be getting to know him in your own way now and from a much larger distance.
How weird. I'm listening to Pandora 80s music and the song "What Is Love" comes on from "A Night At The Roxbury." This song and that movie definitely remind me of you. Especially of the music video you and Allan made when you were younger. You guys were did the dance moves and everything! It looked pretty legit!
I'm dreading tomorrow, Danny. I don't want to say goodbye. I know goodbye doesn't mean forever, but the 2nd Coming seems so far away now. I cannot wait for it, though. I am going to give you the biggest hug EVER and then smack you across the face for putting us through this! I have it all planned out!
I still can't believe this is happening. Day 6 and I'm still in denial. So many days have already gone by without you, but it feels more like years, and it has been hell since day one.
I know I didn't see you all the time before, but this is just completely unfair. All I ask is that you stay by my side and make your presence known when I need you the most. That is ALL I ask.
I love you so much!
Love Always,
Talysa

10/30/2011

Dear Danny,
It's not getting any easier without you and on Tuesday, your viewing, we have to start all over. I only broke down 3 times today though. I guess that is better than the past 3 days.
I hope you don't mind I took some of your clothes. I'm expecting you to see me wearing them and yell at me. Oh, what I would give to hear you yell at me again. I know you were more depressed than you made yourself look. I can't even tell you how many times I woke up to you crying. I always felt so helpless too. I wish I knew what to say in times like those. I wanted so badly to take your pain away. I wished so many times that it was me that got Colitis instead of you. I would have done anything for you, Danny. And I still will do anything for you! I am going to make sure I live my life right so I will definitely be worthy to see you again.
Danny, we have been so blessed with love, food, donations, and small acts of kindness. The ward and neighbors are so amazing! If it weren't for them, we wouldn't be able to get up on our feet and move forward. I can't tell you how many flower arrangements we have gotten, the fragrance is over powering and consuming the whole house! I love it though. Flowers are happy. They make me happy while reminding me that even though my heart is cloudy and my world might be gloomy, the sun is still shining outside!
I was thinking about how unfortunate it is that the only way we see who loves us is when tragedies like this occur, but then I realized that this is the time we need to hear it the most, and people know that. We don't need to be reminded on a daily basis if our lives are going great. We already know the neighbors love for us. But when things like this happen, being told over and over again sure makes the burden feel lighter. We KNOW we are being prayed for. We KNOW we are loved, and we KNOW we are not alone in this. That is why our house hasn't been empty for a long time! I still can't believe how much love is in this ward. It's simply amazing! We can never doubt the love of our Lord while going through this. He is the one sending the neighbors over to visit with us, laugh with us, and cry with us.
Danny, I know you didn't feel the same way about the gospel as I do, but I pray that you change your mind. I hope you see how amazing it is. I hope you realize how important it is. I hope you see that it isn't called "The Plan Of Happiness" for no reason. We were all sent on this earth for one purpose. To do what Heavenly Father sent us here to do. I don't think your time on earth was quite over yet, but I know that you will have time on the other side to do what you need to do. I pray that you try really hard to find true happiness, and I believe you can, now that you aren't constrained by your illness.
I love you and miss you everyday.
Love Always,
Talysa

10/28/2011

Dear Danny,
You are my big brother. My hero. The one I always looked up to. You have an amazing smile, the cutest laugh, the nicest hair. You were blessed with the tall gene, and the clear complexion. You were just one good-looking kid!
You are amazing. Words could never fully express my love for you. There was just something about you that I adored. I loved all the times you teased me, made me laugh, and cry.
I can't stay mad at you forever and one day I know I will find in my heart a way to forgive you, but I can't lie, it won't be soon.
I know you thought this was the only way for you to ever get better. I don't blame you for thinking that way. I know it has been hard seeing everyone else get well except you. I have even felt selfish many times for my health. I wish I could have switched places with you. I've wished I could since they day you got sick.
Love Always,
Talysa

10/27/2011

Dear Danny,
You were such an amazing brother. It's really hard to believe you're gone. I still feel like its a dream. I'll wake up tomorrow, go eat breakfast, hear your door open, then the bathroom door close. Then, a few minutes later, you'll come upstairs, flick me, maybe call me a loser, get in the fridge, cook some turkey bacon, and then go to work. But that won't happen like it's supposed to anymore...
I am angry at you. I seriously can't believe you would do something like this to me. Don't you remember when you promised you would never leave me? Well you broke that promise, didn't you! And now I am unable to see you for such a long time.
I hurt so bad, Danny. Why did you leave me? Especially this way. Zero explanation, no note... I don't get it. You wouldn't have done that. You always left a note saying where you were going. Maybe you did call out to me, but I just wasn't listening. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn't talk to me about things. I know I worry a lot, but really, its just because I love you and I want what's best for you. I can't help that I'm a lot like mom in that way. We both miss you like crazy, though.
Love Always,
Talysa

10/26/2011

Dear Danny,

I truly hope you are not in anymore pain. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been feeling throughout the past 8 years, but you were definitely good at hiding it. I wish you hadn't hidden it from us. I wish you would have told us how you felt. We wanted so badly to understand how you felt. But we couldn't understand with you being so quiet and keeping to yourself.
I love you so much. You have always been such an amazing brother and one of my best friends. I will always remember our quirky games we played together. Especially when you would pull me around by my pants until they would fall off, then you would hurry and turn away so I could put them back on, and then we'd do that all over again! I won't forget "Barbroes", wrestling, pogs, cars, hiding from mom in the coat closet! Man, we sure made her mad a lot. But it was all worth it, spending time with you.
I hope you knew how much I loved you, and I never judged you for any of your choices. You did whatever made you happy. I wish so badly that there was something I could have done to save you. I know that in the end it was your decision to take your own precious life, but I feel like I could have hugged you more, kissed you more, and told you how much I loved you more. I always knew you loved me. I never had the slightest bit of doubt in my mind. I felt like we had such a unique closeness and awesome relationship. I always knew that I could talk to you about anything that was on my mind, and I did just that, loving every second of it. I just wish you could have told me how you were feeling, instead of hiding it all in...
Love Always,
Talysa