Dear Danny,
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm really sorry. I know I still talk to you all the time, so it isn't like this is the only form of communication I have with you.
I broke down for the first time in a while on Monday. I don't know what happened. I was seriously just fine. I was even thinking about you earlier, but I was driving home from work and debating to either get off on the state street exit or go on the belt route for I-15. Then I started trying to figure out when the last time I actually got off on the state street exit was. It was that dark, gloomy, dreadful, yet peaceful day. I started remembering how I felt that whole drive home after I found out you passed away, and how I felt when I saw the cop cars in front of our house. I even gave myself anxiety when I turned onto our street just from thinking about it.
Oh Danny, that was a horrible day... and I thought by now I would be able to write about it, but I still can't do it. It's still a little too personal, even though I pretty much already have all my feelings out on the table.
Anyways, on Monday when I got home from work, I laid on your bed for about an hour just sobbing and smelling the pillow that still smells like you. I totally lost it. I cried the entire time I was laying on your bed. I don't know if I thought that I was lucky for being the only one home or if I had wished Mom and Kelsi had been there. Not that it matters though because I broke down later that night in Mom's arms, too.
I asked Dad and Kellen to give me yet another blessing, and it comforted me right away. It was an amazing feeling. I was able to stop crying for the rest of the night and I was actually laughing not long after, too. The Comforter is such an amazing gift! I have never felt closer to the Lord than I have the past month and a half. I truly know He loves and cares for me. He knows the pain I am feeling. I keep thinking about the saying "God doesn't give you trials you can't handle" and I just think about how confident the Lord is in me. As long as I am living worthily, I WILL make it through this! And He knows it. I must have more strength than I thought. This whole trial has also made me realize the truth behind the quote:
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
And it's so true!
I have learned so much about myself while going through this. I have gained confidence and self respect. I have learned my strengths and weaknesses. I have learned how to cope in certain situations and what not to do in the same scenarios. I have gained a much stronger testimony of the Atonement, Our Fathers Love, Family, Service, and The Holy Ghost. I have even been looking at people with a whole different perspective. I wish upon everyone I see while driving to work that they are having a good day and that nothing bad happens to them. I pray that no one has to feel the pain I feel. I pray that everyone knows how much they are loved and how much they are cared about. I tell people I love them more. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt if they are being difficult. You just never know what is going on in someones life.
I miss you. I think about you almost every second of everyday. This whole "not being able to see you" thing is really getting old, but it still feels like I won't see you for another million years. I don't think I can wait that long, but I will try. Luckily I have a few good things to look forward to! The only thing is that it doesn't matter how good the future events will be, YOU WON'T BE THERE. And that will make my heart hurt even more on those days. But I'll have to deal with it. There is nothing I can do.
I love you, so much.
Love Always,
Talysa
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm really sorry. I know I still talk to you all the time, so it isn't like this is the only form of communication I have with you.
I broke down for the first time in a while on Monday. I don't know what happened. I was seriously just fine. I was even thinking about you earlier, but I was driving home from work and debating to either get off on the state street exit or go on the belt route for I-15. Then I started trying to figure out when the last time I actually got off on the state street exit was. It was that dark, gloomy, dreadful, yet peaceful day. I started remembering how I felt that whole drive home after I found out you passed away, and how I felt when I saw the cop cars in front of our house. I even gave myself anxiety when I turned onto our street just from thinking about it.
Oh Danny, that was a horrible day... and I thought by now I would be able to write about it, but I still can't do it. It's still a little too personal, even though I pretty much already have all my feelings out on the table.
Anyways, on Monday when I got home from work, I laid on your bed for about an hour just sobbing and smelling the pillow that still smells like you. I totally lost it. I cried the entire time I was laying on your bed. I don't know if I thought that I was lucky for being the only one home or if I had wished Mom and Kelsi had been there. Not that it matters though because I broke down later that night in Mom's arms, too.
I asked Dad and Kellen to give me yet another blessing, and it comforted me right away. It was an amazing feeling. I was able to stop crying for the rest of the night and I was actually laughing not long after, too. The Comforter is such an amazing gift! I have never felt closer to the Lord than I have the past month and a half. I truly know He loves and cares for me. He knows the pain I am feeling. I keep thinking about the saying "God doesn't give you trials you can't handle" and I just think about how confident the Lord is in me. As long as I am living worthily, I WILL make it through this! And He knows it. I must have more strength than I thought. This whole trial has also made me realize the truth behind the quote:
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
And it's so true!
I have learned so much about myself while going through this. I have gained confidence and self respect. I have learned my strengths and weaknesses. I have learned how to cope in certain situations and what not to do in the same scenarios. I have gained a much stronger testimony of the Atonement, Our Fathers Love, Family, Service, and The Holy Ghost. I have even been looking at people with a whole different perspective. I wish upon everyone I see while driving to work that they are having a good day and that nothing bad happens to them. I pray that no one has to feel the pain I feel. I pray that everyone knows how much they are loved and how much they are cared about. I tell people I love them more. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt if they are being difficult. You just never know what is going on in someones life.
I miss you. I think about you almost every second of everyday. This whole "not being able to see you" thing is really getting old, but it still feels like I won't see you for another million years. I don't think I can wait that long, but I will try. Luckily I have a few good things to look forward to! The only thing is that it doesn't matter how good the future events will be, YOU WON'T BE THERE. And that will make my heart hurt even more on those days. But I'll have to deal with it. There is nothing I can do.
I love you, so much.
Love Always,
Talysa
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