9/30/17

Dear Danny,

It has been more than 2 years since I last logged on. There have been so many times I have wanted to write my thoughts out, I just never did. I don't know why I can't get myself to do this more, but I am going to try not to wait so long next time.

It's been almost 6 years since you left. In fact, next month will mark 6 years exactly. It has been hard. I always find myself wondering how my kids would act if you were here. What would their "Danny's tickling me" laugh sound like? What would the expression on their face say when they see you enter the room? How tight would they wrap their little arms around you? What games would they want to play that are special just between you and them? Well, I already know one thing; They would think the absolute world of you. And you would treat them like they were your entire world. Just like you did with all our nieces and nephews.

Anyways, I don't want this to be sad like most of my posts. Sure, the last 6 years has been the hardest I've had to endure so far. And many things have changed, things I never thought possible have changed. But if there is anything positive that I have learned through this trial, it's to recognize my blessings and be grateful for what I DO have.

-I still have 3 amazing, loving, kind siblings and their spouses, who are wonderful Aunts and Uncles to my kids. I still get to experience everything I listed above with them. I get to see how excited Aria gets when she sees Brandis. I get to Facetime with Kelsi and listen to Aria and Ezra have "grown up" conversations. I get to watch Jeff tease the boys and see Aria being silly with him. I am still extremely close with Mindy and love having her as my other "sister". I still have a lot family that care about me, and I care about them. Not to mention the most selfless, loving, accepting, compassionate parents I could have ever chosen. They live to serve and do it with a sincere smile on their face.

-I have an amazing family of my own. I have the most patient husband known to man! He has stood by my side basically since we started dating! He knows me inside and out. He is my best friend and the best daddy. He steps in right when I need him and never complains. His parents are so loving and supportive. They love my kids and are so good with them. They are everything I could have asked for as In-laws. And the kids....... Oh, my sweet kids. God knew exactly what He was doing sending them to us when He did. Aria has the biggest heart. She is constantly expressing her love for me and Kellen. I love the random hugs and kisses she showers me with. She is kind to everyone she meets and makes sure everybody feels included and important. Kohen is the happiest kid in the world! He is always smiling, making silly faces, and he has a little lamb-like laugh that warms my heart up in an instance. And Kamden was definitely supposed to be named after you. He is rambunctious, fearless, and carefree. He's determined and a bit stubborn, but he loves sitting on laps, being held, snuggling and has a smile that brightens anyone's day.

-I have amazing friends who have always been there for me when I need them. They care about my daily life and how I'm doing. They listen when I just need to vent and have advice when seeking help.

-And lastly, though a piece of my heart has broken off, it is still beating. It will continue to beat until I take my last breath. I have a wonderful life. I know there are times I can't always see the good in my life, but that doesn't mean it's not a good one. I'm grateful for the journey, even if there are things I wish I didn't have to endure.

I'm not saying I'm grateful for you being gone. I will never be OK with it. With your choice. However, I am grateful for the lessons I am learning as I go. But... I miss you. You will always be that missing piece of my heart that I so desperately want back. Patience is not my strong suit, but I know there will be a day where I will see you again and we will talk as if we were never apart.

"I miss you, I miss you so bad. I don't forget you, oh it's so sad. I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly; The day you slipped away......"

Love Always,
Talysa

4/6/2015

Dear Danny,

So many thoughts are running through my head as I write after almost 2 years.. I don't know what has been keeping me away from here. I really don't have an excuse. Aria is busy but there is still a lot of down time between her sleeping and keeping herself busy, I could definitely write something. I don't work that often and even at work I have slow days where I could say something. I think its mostly because writing here makes me think about you more than ever. I re-read my previous posts and think about everything that has been going on without you for the past almost 4 years. All I know is that this really does help me feel better. Somehow putting words on paper (or in the computer, rather) helps me cope and feel better for a little bit. I feel like I'm finally able to tell you what I've been holding inside for quite some time.

My heart is still just as broken as ever. I still find myself asking "why" and "what if". It's a terrible thought, thinking there was probably some way I could have saved you, but feeling like I didn't try hard enough.. I could have done something different the day before. I could have hugged you, told you I loved you, and let you know that you were truly my best friend and so important to me. I wonder if it would have made any difference at all. 

I hope you continue to feel the love I have for you. This love is everlasting. 

There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.. 

I break down more often lately. Everything seems to remind me of you. Smells, lyrics, sounds, songs, cars, colors, hairstyles, clothes, people... The list goes on. Sometimes I smell your cologne and I find myself looking for you, hoping I have finally woken up from this nightmare, but you're never there, and this is my reality now.

I hurt. And everyday is a struggle. I've mastered hiding my pain. I want to appear strong. I can only imagine the looks I'd get from people if I cried as often as I feel I could. 3 1/2 years and it's still just as hard as the first day. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep this mask on. I feel it slipping off every once in a while.

I love you so much. You will always mean the world to me. I will always look up to you. I will continue to learn from you, and pray for you. I ask that you come visit me in my dreams. It has been way too long since I've heard your voice..

"They say I'll be OK, but I'm not going to ever get over you..."

Love Always,

Talysa

5/16/13

Dear Danny,

I know its been months, and I have been wanting to write for such a long time, but I just haven't been able to get myself to do it. I haven't written you since Thanksgiving time! I know you always hear the words that are in my heart, so that is comforting.

As always, I wish you were here. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a kiss on the cheek. I wish I could wrestle with you one more time. I wish I could sing Karaoke with you again. But, more than anything, I wish you could experience this miracle growing in my belly with me and the family. I wish I could put your hand on my belly and see the look on your face when she kicks you. I'm jealous that Traeden, Jaxon, Araleigh, and Milly all got to have you in their lives, even if Milly was only a few months old when you left her. Jeff and Liz still got to see you with her. That is something Kelsi and I will never have. It's actually a lot harder than I thought it would be too. I was dreading it from the start, but this is hell. I'm so beyond words excited to bring this little girl into the world, but I hate the thought of raising her with only pictures of you. I know you are with her now, but that isn't something she will remember. It's something I'll have to get over though, because obviously I can't do anything about it. Just promise me you'll watch over her, always. Be her guardian angel. Never let her be alone. 

No matter how bad I wish, pray, and hope this nightmare still isn't real, it is. And I still have yet to accept it.  It's still strange not seeing you on Sundays at moms house. It's still strange to walk into your empty room. I miss your voice, laugh, hugs, smacks in the face, your fake hugs, sitting next to you on the couch, texting you. Pretty much everything.

Sunday is your birthday. You would be 26. Do you realize how young that is?? Last year was terribly hard. Well it wasn't that bad until we started singing to you, and then when I blew out the candles for you. I'll never forget how empty that evening felt. You could tell there was something, or rather... someone, missing. I guess we will see how this year goes.

I love you more than anything. You were the best big brother ever. I took it for granted. I regret not spending more time with you. I regret not having more simple conversations with you, and getting to know you more. I miss you, and will continue to miss you until I see you again. There is nothing you can do to stop the tears from rolling down my cheek. But you could have prevented them.

Love Always,

Talysa

11-22-12

Dear Danny,

Today, on Thanksgiving, I am grateful for you.

I am grateful for the love you never ceased to express to me everyday. I knew, without a doubt, that you loved me. You didn't tell me very often, but I always felt it. I never had to wonder. I never questioned it. I always knew it. The way we would talk sarcastically (all the time) was our own way of expressing our love. Honestly, I don't think anyone had to wonder if you loved them.

I am grateful for your understanding, the compassion you had towards everyone, you never judged a single person. I am grateful for your acceptance of others, your sense of humor, especially when you were around Jeff and/or Daniel. I'm grateful for your love for music and the great taste you had in it; you got the whole family hooked on the 80's. I'm grateful for your positive attitude you had even while you were sick. I know it wasn't the easiest thing to go through and there were some rough patches but for the most part you put on a happy face, mostly so we wouldn't worry, though.

I'm grateful for your selflessness. Yes, people would say that suicide is a very selfish thing, which I didn't understand until it happend to us. I can see how they might think it's selfish. After all, you did leave us all behind to hurt. But that wasn't your intention. I know the last thing you would have wanted to do was cause us pain. So in my opinion, you are still very selfless. You always put others before you. You were always willing to help in any situation.

I'm grateful for the way you always protected me and cared for me. I was safe around you. I knew you wouldn't let anything happen to me and that I could trust you with my life. I love how you trusted me too. You could tell me anything and everything and I would listen. I knew so many of your secrets and I loved knowing that you trusted me.

I'm grateful for all the lessons you taught me and continue to teach me now. I am a better person because of you. I have changed the way I see people. I learned to never judge a book by its cover because even though you had a 'tough guy' appearence, you are a big fluffy teddy bear with a huge heart on the inside! You really are one of the sweetest people I have ever known.

You are one of the best brothers ever. I wouldn't be the same had you not been in my family. And though you were only on the earth for a short time, I know you are continuing to do amazing things in Heaven with all our family and friends who have also moved on. Like I've said before, I am quite jealous of you sometimes. Not that I would like to be dead, but I would love to get out of this world so full of evil and sin. I'm scared to bring my own child into this world, but it is a commandment so I will do it faithfully. I know you are up there with my future children right now (which also makes me jealous that you know them before I do...), teaching them how to behave and NOT to be out of control.. Right? I'm not lookng forward to raising them with only pictures of you, but there is nothing I can do about it. And of course I want them to know their Uncle Danny.

I love you so much Danny. I love you as much as one is capable of loving someone else. Yes, the pain will never go away, but it has gotten easier to cope so far. I dream about the renuion we will have soon. But that day still can't come fast enough for me. I do think about it everyday, though. You're always on my mind and forever in my heart.

Love Always,

Talysa

9/10/12

Dear Danny,

I am so sorry I have waited this long to write you again. I don't know why I have kept putting it off. It's hard to have to talk to you like this now. It's obviously not the same. I've built up a lot of anger towards you. I think it has to do with the fact that I can't see, call, or touch you. This whole thing is haunting me more and more everyday. Especially on Sundays with the family, though.

I don't know what to do anymore, Danny. I have been breaking down so much lately and it hasn't been light tears. It's been full on waterfalls. I forgot how many tears I could hold. The last time I broke down like I did on Thursday, was the dreadful day that started this all. When I started crying I couldn't stop. I cried for 45 minutes STRAIGHT! Then, after that, the smallest thought of you made me start back up again. On my way driving home, I couldn't listen to any radio because I feared one of the songs that remind me of you would come on. Even after all the crying and letting it go throughout the day, I still fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheek. It felt good, though. It felt very much needed. It had been a while before that since I had really broken down, and like I always say, if I go too long without letting myself cry, it just keeps building until I can't hold it in any longer. That is exactly what happened Thursday.

Gosh, I miss you. I don't care how repetitive that is in all my posts. I MISS YOU. This is hard. It is hard being without you. It is hard not seeing your smile everyday. It's hard not hearing your voice. It's hard not being able to call you up randomly or send you a text just to let you know that I love you. It's hard seeing your car in the garage and knowing you don't drive it anymore. Its hard seeing what your room has become now that you are living in it. It's hard seeing Daniel and Cort and just wishing you were in the room too. Its hard to keep pretending that everything is "OK" because I don't like people seeing me struggling. It is hard not being visited as much by neighbors, friends, and family, as if they think we have miraculously healed and don't need to be checked on. Its hard living day to day still wondering if there was something I could have done. It's hard not having you here. I miss my brother.

As October 26th is slowly creeping up on us, its hard to believe it has only been a year since you've been gone. One year down, eternity to go until I see your face again. At least that's how it feels. It's actually crazy how fast the year has gone by, but it still feels like you've been gone for a lot longer than that.

One of your friends posted the most beautiful poem on your memorial page. I immediately broke down because as I was reading it in my mind, I heard your voice saying each word. It was literally as if you were telling me the poem. It couldn't have come at a better time, too. I was feeling very lonely and empty the morning I read it. It gave me the strength I needed to go about the rest of my day in comfort.

(Thank you so much Ashley for posting this!!)

 I know you are up there watching over us. I KNOW it. I know you come to me in dreams when Heavenly Father knows I can handle it. I know the things I see or think throughout the day are sent to me from Heaven to always remember you and keep the memory of you alive. Even though I don't know how I could ever forget you. I promise I won't, as long as you promise to never forget me, either.

I love you so much Danny. I can't wait to touch your beautiful face and feel the warmth of your arms around me again. That will truly be the most amazing and incredible reunion.

Love Always,

Talysa

5/24/2012

Dear Danny, 

I am getting really bad at writing to you! I know you aren't mad at me for it though.

I miss you. Like always. I feel like it's getting worse though. I've been crying so much lately! Almost as much as that horrible day. I think it mostly has to do with your birthday.

Your birthday was not fun. It was great to have so many people over that love and care about you and the family, but you could definitely feel your absence. I was being good about not crying until I goofed and looked at your scrapbook. In the back of the book it showed an outline of your funeral service. That got me. It kinda just hit me for the 1,000th time that you were gone. I thought that getting hit once would do the trick but apparently I go into some kind of denial, thinking you aren't really on the other side.

Anyways, when I started crying looking at your scrapbook, I went inside to wipe my eyes. Then I lost it. It was the perfect time because I was alone. That is the time I allow myself to cry the most. I don't want people to see weakness in me when I'm trying so hard to be strong, day after day! When I composed myself, I went into the kitchen where I saw mom and lost it yet again, only this time I cried hard. I felt a little silly because everyone outside could probably see me through the window, but I didn't care. I needed to do two things: Cry and Hug my mom. And it helped for a minute, anyways.

We went back out to light your cake and sing to you. We were trying to decide who was going to blow out your candles. I wanted so badly to run back inside and lock myself in the bathroom and just cry more. But I kept it together until we started singing. I couldn't sing. I tried. I opened my mouth but all that came out was air. I started crying again and when the song was over, many more were crying as well. No one was blowing out the candles so I blew them out for you. I felt funny doing that because we would always get mad at each other for blowing out the others candles! But this time, we had no choice. Someone else had to do it.

After we all had some cake/pie, we went to the cemetery to light off floating lanterns! I, surprisingly, didn't cry anymore that night. I got a very peaceful feeling watching the lanterns fly away. Watching them reminded me of you in a way. We light the little flammable block, wait for the lantern to be filled with hot air, then let it go and watch it float away. Well, saying that the flammable block and fire was your illness, because of it, you were filled with emotion, anger, hatred, doubt, and pain (The warm air). Once you were completely full, you couldn't hold on anymore so you let go. Setting yourself free from all the hurt you floated, flew, and drifted away to a better place. 

No one could ever imagine what was going on in your mind in your final hours, days, or months. No one could ever grasp the amount pain you were in for 8 years. No one can imagine what it was like to feel like your life was so limited because of a HORRIBLE chronic illness. No one can know what it was like to push away the goals and dreams that you had for yourself because of the illness. And because of this, no one has the right to judge any of your decisions, even when you were alive.

I love you so much. I think about you everyday and even more when I dream about you! The hole in my heart isn't getting any smaller, but I hope that it will slowly stop hurting. I know the pain will never go away. I don't want it to. That to me sounds like I have forgotten or replaced you. This yearning for you will never decease. I need it there to remind me of what I need to do to see you again. And I WILL see you again. It's just a matter of time. And all I can do is wait. Even though the waiting is getting harder and feels longer everyday. 

My faith shakes every once in a while. I think its only natural though. Its tough times like these that make me question if there really is an afterlife, if I really will see you again. But once I question it, I feel silly because I already know the answer. Can't get mad at me for doubting sometimes though. The doubt doesn't last long. Usually only a few minutes at the most. But I find comfort where I should. In Heavenly Father and all the resources He has given us. Its amazing what you can find when actually searching for answers, not just to read because you should.

I have no doubt that I will see you again, and like I said, that day will be more than glorious.

I love you.

Love Always,
Talysa

4/26/12

Dear Danny,

6 months ago today was the start of the most unbelievable nightmare. A nightmare I still hope and pray to wake up from. Here, 6 months seems like an Eternity, but that is nothing compared to how long it feels like til the next time I will be able to see you again.

6 months. 26 weeks.182 days. 4368 hours.

That is how long it has been since you left us here in complete darkness.

It still hurts. Everyday. And I only feel myself getting weaker. I cry a lot lately, and sometimes I'm even taken back from it. I don't feel it coming half the time. I feel overly sensitive with somethings. Me and Kellen fell asleep to Mr. Deeds last night and there was a funeral scene. I forced myself to close my eyes during that part. I don't know why things like that are getting to me so easily! It's frustrating, really. I want this to be over. I can't be strong forever, but I have to try. Even if it takes all that I have. 

I've been listening to a song by Miranda Lambert a lot lately. It doesn't help the hurt, but at the same time, it brings me comfort because of how much I can relate to it. Of course, I change a few words, but for the most part, it is perfect for how I and many, many others feel.

Here are the lyrics:

Over You

Weather man said it's gonna snow

By now I should be used to the cold

Mid-February shouldn't be so scary

It was only December

I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you.

They say I'll be OK 

But I'm not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place

I think of you, and I'm not afraid

Your favorite records make me feel better

Cause you sing along

With every song

I know you didn't mean to give them to me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone.

Cause you went away,

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you.

Having you gone feels like a nail is being hammered in my heart. I truly believe you didn't mean to leave us and put us through this Hell, but it doesn't matter. The pain is still unbearable. I really hope you are doing all that you can to get to where you need to be so we can spend Eternity together. Please continue to visit me in my dreams. I love hearing your voice more than anything and I NEED to continue to hear it. It is very comforting.

I love you Danny. More and more everyday. I can't imagine what our reunion will be like!! I am looking so forward to it, and it can't come soon enough. I miss you like crazy.

Love Always,

Talysa

03/29/12

Dear Danny,
It has been such a long time since I have written you a letter, but you are still constantly on my mind.
I'm hurting. My heart is aching for you so badly, and there is nothing that will make the ache go away. Not yet anyways. The pain in my heart grows into headaches, stomach aches, and makes it harder to breathe.
That is the exact pain I felt on my wedding day. You were in the Temple though. The officiant even said so himself (only in a more spiritual way). He knew nothing about you before we went in the room but he sure felt inspired to say that you, and other loved ones on the other side, were there. I knew you wouldn't miss it.
The Officiant was amazing, Danny. The words he spoke were clear, true, and beautiful. Something he said that confirmed you were in the room was a long the lines of "Our Heavenly Father gives special privileges to His children on the other side that allows them to be a part of this special ordinance." You were given that privilege. I know it. I felt you there just as much as I felt the others in the room staring at me. Thank you, Danny.
Then the hard stuff started. Pictures. It was fine until the sibling pictures. I didn't cry, but I definitely felt a little empty, since there was truly someone missing.
I want so bad to hug you, hear your voice, kiss your cheek. It's driving me absolutely crazy that I cannot do that.
I had a dream about you not too long ago. I feel bittersweet about dreaming of you. I loved it because I can see you and hear your voice but I hated it because I woke up longing to see you even more. But you told me in your dream, with the biggest smile I've ever seen, that you finally had all your strength back. I knew that was you telling me from the other side. You came and visited me just like I asked you to. Thank you for that, also.
Having Kellen with me almost 24/7 has definitely made the coping process easier. I haven't broken down in front of him for a while, but that is because he gets my mind off things. Also, we got a puppy! We've only had her for 2 days but she definitely keeps me busy!!! You would love her! She is just simply adorable. I love her so much.
I'm sorry this is short and sweet. I miss you like crazy and will every single day until I see you again. I love you, don't you ever forget it.

"May Angels Lead You In"
Love Always,
Talysa

2/9/12

Dear Danny,
I MISS YOU.
Those 3 words will never be able to fully express what I actually feel inside. I still feel as though my life has slowed down significantly. Even with everything going on, it still, somehow, seems to drag. This month will be 4 months since you've been gone. 4 months! Why does it seem so much longer than that! I know I say it a lot, but it literally feels like years! I have never gone this long without seeing you before and the only word I can think of to describe my emotions is HATE.
First of all, I don't hate you. I could never hate you because I don't really know what was going on in your precious mind. But I do hate that you are gone. I hate not seeing you. I hate not hearing your voice. I hate how you left us. I hate that you didn't say goodbye. I hate that I didn't tell you that I loved you one last time. I hate that I didn't hug you the night before. I hate that I didn't wake up that night. I hate that there is no way I could have possibly done anything to make you change your mind.
Unfortunately, the last few times I have been in your room, I have been crying angry tears. I feel like I am in the "angry" stage of the mourning process, if there is such a thing. I wasn't angry before. I was hurt and confused, no doubt, but anger was the last thing I wanted to feel. I guess the confusion just kept building up and now I get it out in an angry way. I don't want to be angry though. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve to see me break in such an awful way. But for some reason, I can't help it.
There are times where I physically feel pressure on my shoulders. Like I'm carrying a lot of unnecessary weight around. But I have discovered that those are the times that I have held in or pushed away my tears for too long. I break down HARD on those days. Even ask mom. All I have to do is hug her and I'm bawling for several minutes. And I don't mean a few tears here and there. I literally mean streams of tears, fast/heavy breathing, and shaking. This seems to happen at least 4 times a month which might not sound like much, but when you break it down, that is at least once a week. Which all the sudden sounds like more.
I will just hurry and say thank you for a particular experience, though. Last Sunday when Mormon Times was doing a story about Melea Oman, I was watching the episode on the Facebook page with Mom behind me and Dad beside me. I started getting a little uneasy feeling because the song "Be Still My Soul" started playing. I started crying and then I felt an arm around my shoulder. I kind of glanced behind me because Mom was standing there, but I noticed it wasn't her arm around me. It wasn't Dads either. It was yours. I knew it the second I realized Moms arms were folded. I FELT your arms around me. Something I have been longing for since October 26th. I knew you were comforting me, Danny. You were in the room with us. Watching the little video, too. I will NEVER forget that moment, ever.
I just want to end this letter with a quote. I don't know who it is by, but it is beautiful. I love you so much, Danny. I really hope you know that. My heart only aches when it beats. I don't think you knew how much you meant to me, which is my fault for not showing/telling you. I regret that everyday. I guess that just means I'm not going to go a day without hugging or kissing you and telling you how much I love you when I see you again.

"I thought of you with love
today but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart."

Love Always,
Talysa

1/13/12

Dear Danny,
I sure do miss you. It has been really hard ever since Christmas. Well its been hard since day 1, but the Holiday sucked. It was actually a little worse than I was expecting. Mostly because I didn't even know what to expect!!! I've never had to brace myself for anything like this before, and I didn't think I'd ever have to. But I'm not going to lie, Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas were the hardest for me. Those are our family days. I mean, I still cried on Christmas Day, but not as much as the day after at the Family party. It was strange. I could really tell that you were not there, physically. The feeling of you being gone got 10x worse. I'm glad there are over 300 days til I have to do that again. But I bet other days coming up will be harder.
I find myself going into your room a lot lately. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm sitting on your bed until I make myself stop thinking. I just wander in. And of course, every time I walk in, I start bawling. It has kind of turned into a routine. I stare at your picture and just talk to you. I mostly ask you "Why?" and try to come up with a reason of my own, but I always leave the room just as confused as when I entered.
None of this makes sense to me, and I know it won't make sense until I see you again. But then I start to think about how it might have been an accident, and I wonder if you are just as confused as I am. I know you were playing with fire, and you knew it too, but it just went a little too far that time. I wonder if you are angry at yourself. Sometimes I wish you are, but if I could pick anywhere in the entire universe that I would rather be than this place called Earth, it would be Heaven. You are happy, healthy, and worry free. You don't have to wonder what will happen with your health in the future.
You don't have to be scared anymore.
I have realized that I hate being alone. It doesn't matter where I am, as soon as I'm alone, my thoughts go to you. Even the drive to work every morning. If I have someone with me, I can easily be distracted from thinking about you which I have come to accept that that might be a good thing. Otherwise I would dwell and cry 24/7.
I have felt so much stress lately. It's almost overwhelming. Between you being gone, the wedding, and mine and Kellen's adventure of buying a house, I feel exhausted and worn out all the time. The days seem to drag a little. But all I can do is keep pushing forward. I still have to remind myself to breathe sometimes when things become too much, or when I'm constantly thinking about you.
I feel as if this is only getting harder. I've never gone this long without seeing you. I am clinging onto all of our fun last times together. I still shudder a little as I walk into Phlebotomy class, and the instructors can tell I'm a little uncomfortable. But they are very understanding and know just what to say. Even driving to Phlebotomy the other night, I was late and I was just imagining what you would be saying to me about it. How I needed to speed up because we were late EVERY time. Or when I missed every single green light, you would groan and say "Every light? I can't believe we always miss the green lights!" When I went to the Jazz game the other night when they were playing the Lakers, I couldn't help but think what you would be saying about the game the entire time. All the profanities that would be coming out of your mouth.. =]
I miss you. You took a huge piece of my heart with you when you left me and it hurts every second of everyday. Please watch over and protect me... I need you. Always.
I love you so much!
Love Always,
Talysa

12/18/11

Dear Danny,
I miss you. Everyday.
It's still, even after almost 2 months, hard to believe that you are gone. I still wish it was a dream because the reality hurts too much. But sooner or later I have to accept it. I think that is my problem. I feel like accepting the truth will make me sound like I'm OK with it in a way. I'm NOT OK with it. Nor will I ever be. It is still hard to move on, though. And the good things we have to look forward to won't be as "good" as they're supposed to be if you aren't there with us. Honestly, I'm dreading those days.
Christmas will never be the same. I'm not ready for this Holiday to come. I really want to go to sleep on the 23rd and wake up on the 26th. I want to skip Christmas. But I can't. I have to live through it. And I have to be strong. There will be new traditions like a big Christmas dinner, probably a time for crying and reminiscing, and plenty more that will now occur on Christmas day for years to come. It will be hard though. I can't imagine what it will be like without you, but I guess in a week I won't have to try to imagine anymore. I'll find out first hand.
My Wedding will be a bittersweet day. I'm more than excited to marry my best friend, but I won't have my other best friend there with me. I'm scared that I will be a mess on that beautiful day because I won't stop thinking about your absence.. Yes, I have Jeff, and I'm so grateful I still have him, but it won't be the same just having one brother there. I never thought MY day, that is supposed to be so wonderful, would be full of mixed emotions.
Then again, I never thought I'd have to create a blog like this either.
I'm not excited for your birthday. It is just a reminder of how young you are and how much life you still had ahead of you. It will remind us of all the time you still had to learn about everything and all the experiences you have missed out on. It will remind the parents of how amazing the day was that they first held you in their arms, even though they had 3 before you. You were still an incredible gift to them. Again, it will be a time of new traditions. Tears, lanterns, maybe balloons. Definitely heartache.
Heartache- Something I have come to understand the meaning of in the most unfortunate way. Growing up, I always thought it had the same meaning, just in different situations. Missing someone. When I was really young, I used to sing to mom's picture when she went to church meetings, sometimes I would cry because I missed her so much, but eventually she would come back and I would be healed. Break ups gave me a bit of a heartache too, or maybe it was a headache? Anyways, I would eventually find someone else to occupy my time, and now that I have Kellen, I am healed in that sense too. But losing you is the one heartache that can't be cured by anyone or anything. At least not for a while. I know you aren't just at a meeting and coming home soon. I can't find someone else to occupy my time. The only way I am slightly cured is by spending time with Jeff. Being with him has meant a lot to me these past few months. It has really helped me cope with the loss of you because Jeff reminds me of you in some ways. He's unique and completely 100% himself, but there are somethings that he says that remind me of you. But I love him so much and I'm very grateful to still have him in my life.
I never stop thinking about you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I hurt everyday. I know that the 2nd Coming really isn't that far away, but it sure feels like it is. At least now that you're gone. Please stay with me forever, I need you.
Love Always,
Talysa

12/9/11

Dear Danny,
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm really sorry. I know I still talk to you all the time, so it isn't like this is the only form of communication I have with you.
I broke down for the first time in a while on Monday. I don't know what happened. I was seriously just fine. I was even thinking about you earlier, but I was driving home from work and debating to either get off on the state street exit or go on the belt route for I-15. Then I started trying to figure out when the last time I actually got off on the state street exit was. It was that dark, gloomy, dreadful, yet peaceful day. I started remembering how I felt that whole drive home after I found out you passed away, and how I felt when I saw the cop cars in front of our house. I even gave myself anxiety when I turned onto our street just from thinking about it.
Oh Danny, that was a horrible day... and I thought by now I would be able to write about it, but I still can't do it. It's still a little too personal, even though I pretty much already have all my feelings out on the table.
Anyways, on Monday when I got home from work, I laid on your bed for about an hour just sobbing and smelling the pillow that still smells like you. I totally lost it. I cried the entire time I was laying on your bed. I don't know if I thought that I was lucky for being the only one home or if I had wished Mom and Kelsi had been there. Not that it matters though because I broke down later that night in Mom's arms, too.
I asked Dad and Kellen to give me yet another blessing, and it comforted me right away. It was an amazing feeling. I was able to stop crying for the rest of the night and I was actually laughing not long after, too. The Comforter is such an amazing gift! I have never felt closer to the Lord than I have the past month and a half. I truly know He loves and cares for me. He knows the pain I am feeling. I keep thinking about the saying "God doesn't give you trials you can't handle" and I just think about how confident the Lord is in me. As long as I am living worthily, I WILL make it through this! And He knows it. I must have more strength than I thought. This whole trial has also made me realize the truth behind the quote:
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
And it's so true!
I have learned so much about myself while going through this. I have gained confidence and self respect. I have learned my strengths and weaknesses. I have learned how to cope in certain situations and what not to do in the same scenarios. I have gained a much stronger testimony of the Atonement, Our Fathers Love, Family, Service, and The Holy Ghost. I have even been looking at people with a whole different perspective. I wish upon everyone I see while driving to work that they are having a good day and that nothing bad happens to them. I pray that no one has to feel the pain I feel. I pray that everyone knows how much they are loved and how much they are cared about. I tell people I love them more. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt if they are being difficult. You just never know what is going on in someones life.
I miss you. I think about you almost every second of everyday. This whole "not being able to see you" thing is really getting old, but it still feels like I won't see you for another million years. I don't think I can wait that long, but I will try. Luckily I have a few good things to look forward to! The only thing is that it doesn't matter how good the future events will be, YOU WON'T BE THERE. And that will make my heart hurt even more on those days. But I'll have to deal with it. There is nothing I can do.
I love you, so much.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/28/11

Dear Danny,

It's been such a long month without you. I don't know when it's going to get easier to handle, but it definitely isn't easier yet. Some days seem to have the illusion that they are easier than others. Not that it's easy to get you off my mind, that will never be the case, but because some days I have more distractions. However, it's getting to the point where just the slightest glance at your picture makes me tear up. Thinking about you has gotten a little bit under control, as in I don't cry every time I think of you. You are still #1 on my mind, though.

There are times where it will randomly hit me that you're gone. I will be just fine and then all of the sudden, out of nowhere the words "My brother is dead" pop into my mind. These are words I never thought I'd have running through my mind on a daily basis. But they ARE in my mind because you ARE gone.

I don't like thinking about what the future will be like without you. Christmas, my wedding, family parties, your birthday. What about when I have kids? Where will their Uncle be? I don't want to go through all that with you not here. This first Holiday without you was more than I could bare. I might look like I'm doing alright, but I'm not. I might act like the pain in my heart isn't practically killing me, but it is. I miss you. Yes, it gives me comfort to know that I will see you again, but I want to see you today, right now! I want to be able to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug. I want to be able to tell you that I love you and know that you hear it.

I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can. I talk to you all the time, out loud and to myself. I have yet to feel you around me, but I won't give up hope. I know you'll let yourself known at the times I need it most, or as often as you're allowed. But I can't stop thinking about the Bruno Mars song: "Every night I'm talking to the moon, trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too, or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon? I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away..."

Love Always,

Talysa

11/24/11

Dear Danny,

Today is Thanksgiving. The first Holiday without you. I thought of a list of what I'm grateful for, and while I'm grateful for so many things, today I'm mostly grateful for you.

I'm grateful for having a brother like you. I'm so happy that we chose to be siblings! My life would have been a lot different had I not had you in it. And although you would never admit it, your life would have been different without me too.

I'm grateful for all the fights we had. I truly think our fights made us closer. We were close without the fights, and we didn't fight very often, but it was good to see the other side of you. And I know that I was a little bit of a brat and whiney, you never let me live it down.

I'm grateful for all the deep conversations we ever had. Although we didn't have too many of these, we still had a few that I will never forget. I'm so glad that I could open up to you like that and share what I was feeling. I couldn't do that with too many people. I'm also glad that you felt like you could open up to me and tell me anything. Even though I know you still held a lot in, I got to see the true Danny for a minute. The Danny that had real feelings and emotions. The Danny that put his guard down and showed his vulnerability. I LOVE that Danny.

I'm grateful for us only being 2 years apart. I loved going to school with you. I would always look for you in the halls and at lunch. I was proud to have my awesome big brother with me almost 24/7. Another perk that came with being so close in age, we had a lot of the same friends. Even though I would just flirt with all your friends, I think we still had a pretty good time. I would bug you and annoy you all the time, but that was all out of love, and I hated being left out.

Like I said in previous letters, I'm so grateful for all the stupid games we played and made up. Those made amazing memories that I will always hold in my heart. I also love how we would talk and laugh about the silly games we played. We had fun times reminiscing about the good ol' days. It doesn't seem that long ago that you would play Barbies with me in the basement... Oops.. Should I not have let that secret out??

I'm grateful for the Danny before he got sick. You were the most fun-loving, free spirited, happy, compassionate, optimistic, care-free, laid back person I had ever met. You always went out with friends, made videos, would dance around, sing, wrestle with me, and you hung out with me more. You were fun to be around, made everyone laugh, especially when you were with Jeff, and always had a smile on your face.

I'm (semi) grateful for the Danny after he got sick, too. Not only did this change you physically, it changed you mentally. And although it wasn't the best change to occur, I think it was a lesson waiting to be learned. You never let yourself learn it though. You let your illness change your perspective on things. It wasn't all bad though. It opened up plenty of opportunities to find yourself and to search the gospel for answers, I just don't feel like you tried to do any of that. I saw a lot of true emotion from you after you got sick. But not only did your illness change you, it changed the family. We became more willing to serve. You were never a burden to us, only someone we loved who needed our attention and care. We never once regretted putting things aside to help you. We never once wished that we wouldn't have cancelled something so we could be with you. We loved all the time we spent with you, happy or sad, healthy or sick.

I'm grateful for your friendship. You weren't just my brother. You were my best friend. You were my childhood hero, someone I looked up to. You were my partner in crime, making mom mad. You were always there to hug me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me that you loved me, even if you were forced to do so. You were always in the room right next to me. I remember talking about how one time we wanted to somehow put a Mailbox between our walls so we could always write each other letters/notes and talk to each other without leaving our rooms. I wish our parents would have let us do that... It would have been awesome!

All that I'm trying to say in this one little letter can be summed up into 2 huge words.

...THANK YOU...

Thank you for being my brother. Thank you for never making me play alone. Thank you for being there with me while we walk to the bus stop. Thank you for occasionally holding my hand. Thank you for cuddling with me in Mom and Dads bed, while Mom was trying to make her bed. Thank you for not getting mad at me too much for following you and your friends around the house. Thank you for leaving the house with me, without leaving a note or wearing our coats. Thank you for helping me make Mom yell at us almost on a daily basis.

But most of all, Thank you for loving me as much as you could.

Today will suck without you, but we can't make it go away, only make it through. I love you and miss you everday. I pray for you every night. I hope you can feel the love I have for you in my heart. I will never forget, but only remember all the sweet, precious memories I have with you.

Love Always,

Talysa

11/20/11

Dear Danny,
There is a poem I wrote a few years ago when my friend Tricia passed away. I came across it before your funeral and it shocked me at how relevant some of the feelings in the poem were to this situation now. I wanted to re-write it and make it more about you.
So I did and I think I did a pretty good job.
Here is the new and improved poem, especially for you:

Dear Danny,

Disappointment lingers inside of me all day, everyday.
I want to be strong enough to live and let go,
But something is always preventing me from being able to.
As soon as I feel forgiveness for you, my heart reminds me why it aches.

I can't find the motivation to live to my fullest potential,
Knowing you weren't able to do so yourself.
Therefore it wouldn't be fair for me to do so.
Wouldn't it be nice to make you proud of me, though?

Nothing has ever hurt me this bad before.
Literally putting a stop to the world spinning around me.
It is as though I am cemented to the ground,
I am unable to move forward, and barely remembering to breathe.

Tears fill my eyes at the very thought of you.
I long to hear your voice just one more time.
The memories we've made continuously flood my mind,
Keeping me at some sort of ease until I can see you again.

Knowing I'll see you again brings comfort.
Knowing it won't be in this life, however, is troubling.
I can't seem to find a perfect balance.
Its unfair that I am forced to wait what seems an eternity to see you again.

Forcing a smile has never hurt so much.
Telling people "I'm OK" is the biggest lie I could possibly tell.
But the feeling I get when I know you are standing by me
Has never brought more peace, especially on the hardest days.

Although it seems almost impossible and unbearable,
I know I must try to accept the fact that you are really gone.
Moving forward is the healthiest thing I can do for myself,
Even though there will be a permanent scar on my heart.

So here I go into the cold, harsh world,
Doing things you were never able to experience,
But keeping in mind that you are in a much better place,
Where you are no longer in pain and can never be harmed again.

Until we meet again,
I pray that you continue to feel my love for you.
I can't wait til we meet at Jesus' feet.
My Brother. My Hero. My Friend.

Love Always,
Talysa

11/14/11

Dear Danny,
Today I went back to work. After breaking down last night, though, I didn't know if I could do it. But I did. And it was hard. I couldn't help but think about the last time I was at work... They day I lost you. I hope that one day I will be able to share my feelings that are bottled up about that day, but its still too fresh for that.
I broke down again today, though. Luckily it was during the last hour of my shift, and my Managers are so understanding. I went and talked to my friend Carly. She was so sweet and patient with me. She just held me as I cried on her shoulder. That was just what I needed. We talked about you for a few minutes, then we started talking about wedding plans! She offered to do my wedding flowers, which was so kind of her. I really appreciate all the love I'm getting during this whole thing. The drive home from work sucked too. I had to go a different way than I did last time because I didn't want to get the anxiety I had before.
It was good to get home and curl up on the couch for a minute. Kelsi, Mom, and I went to the cemetery again. I broke down while we were there too. It just doesn't seem to get any easier yet.
I went to our phlebotomy class tonight. I was dreading it. I really didn't want to be there without you, but luckily Beth and Amy were really understanding. Me and Amy talked for about 30 minutes about the Plan of Salvation, and being able to see you again. Then I got to talk to Beth for a minute. She talked briefly of you, then tried to get my mind off things by talking to me about the wedding and possible job opportunities for me. They are both great teachers, and they both said you were a great student.
I was so excited to start taking phlebotomy. I'm glad that I found a center that could train me so quickly. But when you told me you wanted to do it with me, my excitement shot up even more. I was so excited to have our Monday night class together! I knew that it would make us bond more. I remember taking a class together before, and even though I ended up dropping it, I loved spending the time with you.
Every night for the past 2 weeks, when we have our family prayer, I cry. It doesn't matter what is being said. I miss you. I can't help but notice the circle got smaller. And its not because you are out with friends, or that you're out with Mindy, or on a vacation. It's because you are gone. And it hits me every night. We are so much closer as a family now. Its unfortunate we have to go on without you, but we keep remembering that we have each other through this. Its comforting.
I love you.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/13/11

Dear Danny,
I lost it today. I cried. Hard. It felt as though it was the first day.
I miss you, Danny. I miss your hugs, your smiles, your laughter. I miss your smell, your voice, your friendship. I miss seeing you in the middle of the afternoon and hearing you come home at night. I miss watching you work with the kids who loved you so much. I miss you slapping my face, flicking me, and calling a loser. I miss you laughing at me when I say something stupid. I miss watching you hold Milly and seeing your love for her in your eyes. I miss hearing you sing in your room. I miss you yelling at me, chasing me around the house.
I miss the loud music waking me up at night. I miss hearing you cry yourself to sleep. I miss spending time with you. I miss having you with me in Phlebotomy. I miss driving around with you, talking to you, singing with you, and sometimes singing TO you.
I miss trying to hug you, trying to kiss you, telling you I love you. I miss seeing you. I miss texting you. I miss calling you. I miss writing you little notes of encouragement and love. I miss teasing you, joking around with you, making fun of mom with you.
I miss karaoke nights with you. I miss dancing with you. I miss having deep conversations with you. I miss trying to make you proud of me. I miss your "Gay Impersonations". I miss your sarcasm. I miss playing games with you. I miss trying to get information out of your for mom.
All I am trying to tell you is that I miss my Big Brother. I love you so much. I am not looking forward to my life without you physically in it, but you will always be in my mind and heart. And I know you will let yourself be known when I need to feel your love.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/12/11

Dear Danny,
I know that it has been days since I last wrote to you, and I apologize, but a lot has been going on. Zach Peffer took his life this past week, too. As soon as I found out, I prayed long and hard that you would watch over him and help him. You both need a little boost.
Today was his funeral. It felt like yours but 10x worse. It was so hard sitting through it! I cried so much because I was just thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you! You are the #1 person on my mind, but don't tell Kellen that. He might get jealous =]
I still can't grasp that you are gone. I think it is slowly hitting me and becoming more of a reality to me instead of a foggy haze, though. I've been breaking down a lot lately. Yesterday, Mom, Kelsi, and I saw Mindy at the cemetery when we went to visit you. I feel so bad for her. I put myself in her place for the first time. Holy Smokes! If anything were to happen to Kellen I would be absolutely devastated! I really don't know what I would do without him. He really is the love of my life, my other half, cheesy I know, but I don't know how else to explain it. If he were to just leave my life out of nowhere, I would be a mess. I would be an even bigger mess than Mindy, because she's better at being strong! She can keep it together for longer than I can. She is truly amazing!!
I love you so much. My heart continues to ache for you, but I know I will find peace and comfort soon enough!
Love Always,
Talysa

11/3/11

Dear Danny,
I miss you.
I haven't cried today, but that doesn't mean anything anymore. I want to be strong. I need you to remember that just because I don't dwell on you being gone doesn't mean I don't care. Because I do care more than I could ever express! I just need to find distractions so I won't mope around and lose myself. It is hard though. I promise you it's hard. I start to feel guilty when I think of other things, which is probably the reason why I keep telling you to remember I still care.
There's a weird noise I am hearing that sounds like the garage door is opening. For a split second I thought you had just gotten home. It's about that time you'd be getting home anyways. What a strange feeling to have while writing this letter to you. I guess that just goes to show that it hasn't fully hit me yet. Even after 8 days.
I over heard someone talking today about how it won't hit us until Holidays. And man, I don't doubt it! I'm already dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas! It will be hard not having you here for those major holidays. I might even be the only one home for Christmas, unless Kelsi and Joe sleep over. I'm not going to like that very much, being alone that is.
I love you so much. I hope you know that. Daniel told me at the cemetery that you would tell him at least once a week how much you loved me. I know you love me. I have always felt it, even when you didn't exactly say it. But you had your own way of telling me. I will always remember that time you left me a voicemail when I lived in Chicago. The voicemail said "Hey Talysa. Uhm, I just called to remind you that you're a butthead." That is all you said, but yet it meant the world to me. I am pretty sure I even started crying while listening to it because I knew you just wanted to call and talk to me. THAT was you expressing your love! I don't think I ever told you how much I loved that voicemail. I even listened to it a few times days after you called! I will never forget how amazing our relationship was, and I can't wait to pick up where we left off!
Love Always,
Talysa

11/2/11

Dear Danny,
Today was your funeral. That sure sucked. In a way, I am SO glad it is over! Not that this heartache will ever go away, but at least we got the big stuff over and done with. Now we just need to learn how to deal. That will be the hardest part.
I was surprisingly strong after the funeral, even though I bawled for a while before and at the beginning of the service. But I have realized that I need to be strong for Mom and Dad. I think about the pain I feel from losing my brother, but I then I put myself in their shoes. They lost a son! I can't imagine how that might feel. I can't remember seeing Dad so torn and Mom looking so fragile. This is definitely more heart breaking then what you did to them while you were on the earth. I'm not judging or blaming you, I just saw how sad they were with your choices. They NEVER stopped loving you though. EVER.
Danny, I am obviously never going to forget you, but I need you to know that I am going to stop dwelling on losing you. There really is no point in doing so. It won't get me anywhere I need to be, it will only let Satan take over my mind. But I am always going to hurt and I am always going to miss you, everyday for the rest of my life. I just want to get on with planning my wedding and preparing to be married. I cannot wait for that beautiful day! Kellen is absolutely, without a doubt my best friend. I can't wait until I am sealed to him for Eternity!
I really wish you could feel the love I have for the Gospel. I know with all my heart that it is truly the Plan of Happiness. I wish I never would have gone through my short stage of doubt, but you have to go through the bad to recognize and appreciate the good, right?
I am grateful for all my trials, up until this one. Maybe one day I will be able to look at this with gratitude, but I'm not seeing that time come anytime soon. How am I supposed to feel? Grateful that my big brother is dead? Yeah freaking right. I know that some good things will come from this, though. Already we have strengthened as a family and a ward. What I hope to become from this trial is a "rock" for others going through the same thing. My Patriarchal blessing does mention that my voice and testimony will be heard by many. Maybe this is what I need to do to be heard. I just wish it wasn't under certain circumstances.
I love you.
Love Always,
Talysa