11/28/11

Dear Danny,

It's been such a long month without you. I don't know when it's going to get easier to handle, but it definitely isn't easier yet. Some days seem to have the illusion that they are easier than others. Not that it's easy to get you off my mind, that will never be the case, but because some days I have more distractions. However, it's getting to the point where just the slightest glance at your picture makes me tear up. Thinking about you has gotten a little bit under control, as in I don't cry every time I think of you. You are still #1 on my mind, though.

There are times where it will randomly hit me that you're gone. I will be just fine and then all of the sudden, out of nowhere the words "My brother is dead" pop into my mind. These are words I never thought I'd have running through my mind on a daily basis. But they ARE in my mind because you ARE gone.

I don't like thinking about what the future will be like without you. Christmas, my wedding, family parties, your birthday. What about when I have kids? Where will their Uncle be? I don't want to go through all that with you not here. This first Holiday without you was more than I could bare. I might look like I'm doing alright, but I'm not. I might act like the pain in my heart isn't practically killing me, but it is. I miss you. Yes, it gives me comfort to know that I will see you again, but I want to see you today, right now! I want to be able to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug. I want to be able to tell you that I love you and know that you hear it.

I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can. I talk to you all the time, out loud and to myself. I have yet to feel you around me, but I won't give up hope. I know you'll let yourself known at the times I need it most, or as often as you're allowed. But I can't stop thinking about the Bruno Mars song: "Every night I'm talking to the moon, trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too, or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon? I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away..."

Love Always,

Talysa

11/24/11

Dear Danny,

Today is Thanksgiving. The first Holiday without you. I thought of a list of what I'm grateful for, and while I'm grateful for so many things, today I'm mostly grateful for you.

I'm grateful for having a brother like you. I'm so happy that we chose to be siblings! My life would have been a lot different had I not had you in it. And although you would never admit it, your life would have been different without me too.

I'm grateful for all the fights we had. I truly think our fights made us closer. We were close without the fights, and we didn't fight very often, but it was good to see the other side of you. And I know that I was a little bit of a brat and whiney, you never let me live it down.

I'm grateful for all the deep conversations we ever had. Although we didn't have too many of these, we still had a few that I will never forget. I'm so glad that I could open up to you like that and share what I was feeling. I couldn't do that with too many people. I'm also glad that you felt like you could open up to me and tell me anything. Even though I know you still held a lot in, I got to see the true Danny for a minute. The Danny that had real feelings and emotions. The Danny that put his guard down and showed his vulnerability. I LOVE that Danny.

I'm grateful for us only being 2 years apart. I loved going to school with you. I would always look for you in the halls and at lunch. I was proud to have my awesome big brother with me almost 24/7. Another perk that came with being so close in age, we had a lot of the same friends. Even though I would just flirt with all your friends, I think we still had a pretty good time. I would bug you and annoy you all the time, but that was all out of love, and I hated being left out.

Like I said in previous letters, I'm so grateful for all the stupid games we played and made up. Those made amazing memories that I will always hold in my heart. I also love how we would talk and laugh about the silly games we played. We had fun times reminiscing about the good ol' days. It doesn't seem that long ago that you would play Barbies with me in the basement... Oops.. Should I not have let that secret out??

I'm grateful for the Danny before he got sick. You were the most fun-loving, free spirited, happy, compassionate, optimistic, care-free, laid back person I had ever met. You always went out with friends, made videos, would dance around, sing, wrestle with me, and you hung out with me more. You were fun to be around, made everyone laugh, especially when you were with Jeff, and always had a smile on your face.

I'm (semi) grateful for the Danny after he got sick, too. Not only did this change you physically, it changed you mentally. And although it wasn't the best change to occur, I think it was a lesson waiting to be learned. You never let yourself learn it though. You let your illness change your perspective on things. It wasn't all bad though. It opened up plenty of opportunities to find yourself and to search the gospel for answers, I just don't feel like you tried to do any of that. I saw a lot of true emotion from you after you got sick. But not only did your illness change you, it changed the family. We became more willing to serve. You were never a burden to us, only someone we loved who needed our attention and care. We never once regretted putting things aside to help you. We never once wished that we wouldn't have cancelled something so we could be with you. We loved all the time we spent with you, happy or sad, healthy or sick.

I'm grateful for your friendship. You weren't just my brother. You were my best friend. You were my childhood hero, someone I looked up to. You were my partner in crime, making mom mad. You were always there to hug me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me that you loved me, even if you were forced to do so. You were always in the room right next to me. I remember talking about how one time we wanted to somehow put a Mailbox between our walls so we could always write each other letters/notes and talk to each other without leaving our rooms. I wish our parents would have let us do that... It would have been awesome!

All that I'm trying to say in this one little letter can be summed up into 2 huge words.

...THANK YOU...

Thank you for being my brother. Thank you for never making me play alone. Thank you for being there with me while we walk to the bus stop. Thank you for occasionally holding my hand. Thank you for cuddling with me in Mom and Dads bed, while Mom was trying to make her bed. Thank you for not getting mad at me too much for following you and your friends around the house. Thank you for leaving the house with me, without leaving a note or wearing our coats. Thank you for helping me make Mom yell at us almost on a daily basis.

But most of all, Thank you for loving me as much as you could.

Today will suck without you, but we can't make it go away, only make it through. I love you and miss you everday. I pray for you every night. I hope you can feel the love I have for you in my heart. I will never forget, but only remember all the sweet, precious memories I have with you.

Love Always,

Talysa

11/20/11

Dear Danny,
There is a poem I wrote a few years ago when my friend Tricia passed away. I came across it before your funeral and it shocked me at how relevant some of the feelings in the poem were to this situation now. I wanted to re-write it and make it more about you.
So I did and I think I did a pretty good job.
Here is the new and improved poem, especially for you:

Dear Danny,

Disappointment lingers inside of me all day, everyday.
I want to be strong enough to live and let go,
But something is always preventing me from being able to.
As soon as I feel forgiveness for you, my heart reminds me why it aches.

I can't find the motivation to live to my fullest potential,
Knowing you weren't able to do so yourself.
Therefore it wouldn't be fair for me to do so.
Wouldn't it be nice to make you proud of me, though?

Nothing has ever hurt me this bad before.
Literally putting a stop to the world spinning around me.
It is as though I am cemented to the ground,
I am unable to move forward, and barely remembering to breathe.

Tears fill my eyes at the very thought of you.
I long to hear your voice just one more time.
The memories we've made continuously flood my mind,
Keeping me at some sort of ease until I can see you again.

Knowing I'll see you again brings comfort.
Knowing it won't be in this life, however, is troubling.
I can't seem to find a perfect balance.
Its unfair that I am forced to wait what seems an eternity to see you again.

Forcing a smile has never hurt so much.
Telling people "I'm OK" is the biggest lie I could possibly tell.
But the feeling I get when I know you are standing by me
Has never brought more peace, especially on the hardest days.

Although it seems almost impossible and unbearable,
I know I must try to accept the fact that you are really gone.
Moving forward is the healthiest thing I can do for myself,
Even though there will be a permanent scar on my heart.

So here I go into the cold, harsh world,
Doing things you were never able to experience,
But keeping in mind that you are in a much better place,
Where you are no longer in pain and can never be harmed again.

Until we meet again,
I pray that you continue to feel my love for you.
I can't wait til we meet at Jesus' feet.
My Brother. My Hero. My Friend.

Love Always,
Talysa

11/14/11

Dear Danny,
Today I went back to work. After breaking down last night, though, I didn't know if I could do it. But I did. And it was hard. I couldn't help but think about the last time I was at work... They day I lost you. I hope that one day I will be able to share my feelings that are bottled up about that day, but its still too fresh for that.
I broke down again today, though. Luckily it was during the last hour of my shift, and my Managers are so understanding. I went and talked to my friend Carly. She was so sweet and patient with me. She just held me as I cried on her shoulder. That was just what I needed. We talked about you for a few minutes, then we started talking about wedding plans! She offered to do my wedding flowers, which was so kind of her. I really appreciate all the love I'm getting during this whole thing. The drive home from work sucked too. I had to go a different way than I did last time because I didn't want to get the anxiety I had before.
It was good to get home and curl up on the couch for a minute. Kelsi, Mom, and I went to the cemetery again. I broke down while we were there too. It just doesn't seem to get any easier yet.
I went to our phlebotomy class tonight. I was dreading it. I really didn't want to be there without you, but luckily Beth and Amy were really understanding. Me and Amy talked for about 30 minutes about the Plan of Salvation, and being able to see you again. Then I got to talk to Beth for a minute. She talked briefly of you, then tried to get my mind off things by talking to me about the wedding and possible job opportunities for me. They are both great teachers, and they both said you were a great student.
I was so excited to start taking phlebotomy. I'm glad that I found a center that could train me so quickly. But when you told me you wanted to do it with me, my excitement shot up even more. I was so excited to have our Monday night class together! I knew that it would make us bond more. I remember taking a class together before, and even though I ended up dropping it, I loved spending the time with you.
Every night for the past 2 weeks, when we have our family prayer, I cry. It doesn't matter what is being said. I miss you. I can't help but notice the circle got smaller. And its not because you are out with friends, or that you're out with Mindy, or on a vacation. It's because you are gone. And it hits me every night. We are so much closer as a family now. Its unfortunate we have to go on without you, but we keep remembering that we have each other through this. Its comforting.
I love you.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/13/11

Dear Danny,
I lost it today. I cried. Hard. It felt as though it was the first day.
I miss you, Danny. I miss your hugs, your smiles, your laughter. I miss your smell, your voice, your friendship. I miss seeing you in the middle of the afternoon and hearing you come home at night. I miss watching you work with the kids who loved you so much. I miss you slapping my face, flicking me, and calling a loser. I miss you laughing at me when I say something stupid. I miss watching you hold Milly and seeing your love for her in your eyes. I miss hearing you sing in your room. I miss you yelling at me, chasing me around the house.
I miss the loud music waking me up at night. I miss hearing you cry yourself to sleep. I miss spending time with you. I miss having you with me in Phlebotomy. I miss driving around with you, talking to you, singing with you, and sometimes singing TO you.
I miss trying to hug you, trying to kiss you, telling you I love you. I miss seeing you. I miss texting you. I miss calling you. I miss writing you little notes of encouragement and love. I miss teasing you, joking around with you, making fun of mom with you.
I miss karaoke nights with you. I miss dancing with you. I miss having deep conversations with you. I miss trying to make you proud of me. I miss your "Gay Impersonations". I miss your sarcasm. I miss playing games with you. I miss trying to get information out of your for mom.
All I am trying to tell you is that I miss my Big Brother. I love you so much. I am not looking forward to my life without you physically in it, but you will always be in my mind and heart. And I know you will let yourself be known when I need to feel your love.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/12/11

Dear Danny,
I know that it has been days since I last wrote to you, and I apologize, but a lot has been going on. Zach Peffer took his life this past week, too. As soon as I found out, I prayed long and hard that you would watch over him and help him. You both need a little boost.
Today was his funeral. It felt like yours but 10x worse. It was so hard sitting through it! I cried so much because I was just thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you! You are the #1 person on my mind, but don't tell Kellen that. He might get jealous =]
I still can't grasp that you are gone. I think it is slowly hitting me and becoming more of a reality to me instead of a foggy haze, though. I've been breaking down a lot lately. Yesterday, Mom, Kelsi, and I saw Mindy at the cemetery when we went to visit you. I feel so bad for her. I put myself in her place for the first time. Holy Smokes! If anything were to happen to Kellen I would be absolutely devastated! I really don't know what I would do without him. He really is the love of my life, my other half, cheesy I know, but I don't know how else to explain it. If he were to just leave my life out of nowhere, I would be a mess. I would be an even bigger mess than Mindy, because she's better at being strong! She can keep it together for longer than I can. She is truly amazing!!
I love you so much. My heart continues to ache for you, but I know I will find peace and comfort soon enough!
Love Always,
Talysa

11/3/11

Dear Danny,
I miss you.
I haven't cried today, but that doesn't mean anything anymore. I want to be strong. I need you to remember that just because I don't dwell on you being gone doesn't mean I don't care. Because I do care more than I could ever express! I just need to find distractions so I won't mope around and lose myself. It is hard though. I promise you it's hard. I start to feel guilty when I think of other things, which is probably the reason why I keep telling you to remember I still care.
There's a weird noise I am hearing that sounds like the garage door is opening. For a split second I thought you had just gotten home. It's about that time you'd be getting home anyways. What a strange feeling to have while writing this letter to you. I guess that just goes to show that it hasn't fully hit me yet. Even after 8 days.
I over heard someone talking today about how it won't hit us until Holidays. And man, I don't doubt it! I'm already dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas! It will be hard not having you here for those major holidays. I might even be the only one home for Christmas, unless Kelsi and Joe sleep over. I'm not going to like that very much, being alone that is.
I love you so much. I hope you know that. Daniel told me at the cemetery that you would tell him at least once a week how much you loved me. I know you love me. I have always felt it, even when you didn't exactly say it. But you had your own way of telling me. I will always remember that time you left me a voicemail when I lived in Chicago. The voicemail said "Hey Talysa. Uhm, I just called to remind you that you're a butthead." That is all you said, but yet it meant the world to me. I am pretty sure I even started crying while listening to it because I knew you just wanted to call and talk to me. THAT was you expressing your love! I don't think I ever told you how much I loved that voicemail. I even listened to it a few times days after you called! I will never forget how amazing our relationship was, and I can't wait to pick up where we left off!
Love Always,
Talysa