03/29/12

Dear Danny,
It has been such a long time since I have written you a letter, but you are still constantly on my mind.
I'm hurting. My heart is aching for you so badly, and there is nothing that will make the ache go away. Not yet anyways. The pain in my heart grows into headaches, stomach aches, and makes it harder to breathe.
That is the exact pain I felt on my wedding day. You were in the Temple though. The officiant even said so himself (only in a more spiritual way). He knew nothing about you before we went in the room but he sure felt inspired to say that you, and other loved ones on the other side, were there. I knew you wouldn't miss it.
The Officiant was amazing, Danny. The words he spoke were clear, true, and beautiful. Something he said that confirmed you were in the room was a long the lines of "Our Heavenly Father gives special privileges to His children on the other side that allows them to be a part of this special ordinance." You were given that privilege. I know it. I felt you there just as much as I felt the others in the room staring at me. Thank you, Danny.
Then the hard stuff started. Pictures. It was fine until the sibling pictures. I didn't cry, but I definitely felt a little empty, since there was truly someone missing.
I want so bad to hug you, hear your voice, kiss your cheek. It's driving me absolutely crazy that I cannot do that.
I had a dream about you not too long ago. I feel bittersweet about dreaming of you. I loved it because I can see you and hear your voice but I hated it because I woke up longing to see you even more. But you told me in your dream, with the biggest smile I've ever seen, that you finally had all your strength back. I knew that was you telling me from the other side. You came and visited me just like I asked you to. Thank you for that, also.
Having Kellen with me almost 24/7 has definitely made the coping process easier. I haven't broken down in front of him for a while, but that is because he gets my mind off things. Also, we got a puppy! We've only had her for 2 days but she definitely keeps me busy!!! You would love her! She is just simply adorable. I love her so much.
I'm sorry this is short and sweet. I miss you like crazy and will every single day until I see you again. I love you, don't you ever forget it.

"May Angels Lead You In"
Love Always,
Talysa

2/9/12

Dear Danny,
I MISS YOU.
Those 3 words will never be able to fully express what I actually feel inside. I still feel as though my life has slowed down significantly. Even with everything going on, it still, somehow, seems to drag. This month will be 4 months since you've been gone. 4 months! Why does it seem so much longer than that! I know I say it a lot, but it literally feels like years! I have never gone this long without seeing you before and the only word I can think of to describe my emotions is HATE.
First of all, I don't hate you. I could never hate you because I don't really know what was going on in your precious mind. But I do hate that you are gone. I hate not seeing you. I hate not hearing your voice. I hate how you left us. I hate that you didn't say goodbye. I hate that I didn't tell you that I loved you one last time. I hate that I didn't hug you the night before. I hate that I didn't wake up that night. I hate that there is no way I could have possibly done anything to make you change your mind.
Unfortunately, the last few times I have been in your room, I have been crying angry tears. I feel like I am in the "angry" stage of the mourning process, if there is such a thing. I wasn't angry before. I was hurt and confused, no doubt, but anger was the last thing I wanted to feel. I guess the confusion just kept building up and now I get it out in an angry way. I don't want to be angry though. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve to see me break in such an awful way. But for some reason, I can't help it.
There are times where I physically feel pressure on my shoulders. Like I'm carrying a lot of unnecessary weight around. But I have discovered that those are the times that I have held in or pushed away my tears for too long. I break down HARD on those days. Even ask mom. All I have to do is hug her and I'm bawling for several minutes. And I don't mean a few tears here and there. I literally mean streams of tears, fast/heavy breathing, and shaking. This seems to happen at least 4 times a month which might not sound like much, but when you break it down, that is at least once a week. Which all the sudden sounds like more.
I will just hurry and say thank you for a particular experience, though. Last Sunday when Mormon Times was doing a story about Melea Oman, I was watching the episode on the Facebook page with Mom behind me and Dad beside me. I started getting a little uneasy feeling because the song "Be Still My Soul" started playing. I started crying and then I felt an arm around my shoulder. I kind of glanced behind me because Mom was standing there, but I noticed it wasn't her arm around me. It wasn't Dads either. It was yours. I knew it the second I realized Moms arms were folded. I FELT your arms around me. Something I have been longing for since October 26th. I knew you were comforting me, Danny. You were in the room with us. Watching the little video, too. I will NEVER forget that moment, ever.
I just want to end this letter with a quote. I don't know who it is by, but it is beautiful. I love you so much, Danny. I really hope you know that. My heart only aches when it beats. I don't think you knew how much you meant to me, which is my fault for not showing/telling you. I regret that everyday. I guess that just means I'm not going to go a day without hugging or kissing you and telling you how much I love you when I see you again.

"I thought of you with love
today but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart."

Love Always,
Talysa

1/13/12

Dear Danny,
I sure do miss you. It has been really hard ever since Christmas. Well its been hard since day 1, but the Holiday sucked. It was actually a little worse than I was expecting. Mostly because I didn't even know what to expect!!! I've never had to brace myself for anything like this before, and I didn't think I'd ever have to. But I'm not going to lie, Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas were the hardest for me. Those are our family days. I mean, I still cried on Christmas Day, but not as much as the day after at the Family party. It was strange. I could really tell that you were not there, physically. The feeling of you being gone got 10x worse. I'm glad there are over 300 days til I have to do that again. But I bet other days coming up will be harder.
I find myself going into your room a lot lately. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm sitting on your bed until I make myself stop thinking. I just wander in. And of course, every time I walk in, I start bawling. It has kind of turned into a routine. I stare at your picture and just talk to you. I mostly ask you "Why?" and try to come up with a reason of my own, but I always leave the room just as confused as when I entered.
None of this makes sense to me, and I know it won't make sense until I see you again. But then I start to think about how it might have been an accident, and I wonder if you are just as confused as I am. I know you were playing with fire, and you knew it too, but it just went a little too far that time. I wonder if you are angry at yourself. Sometimes I wish you are, but if I could pick anywhere in the entire universe that I would rather be than this place called Earth, it would be Heaven. You are happy, healthy, and worry free. You don't have to wonder what will happen with your health in the future.
You don't have to be scared anymore.
I have realized that I hate being alone. It doesn't matter where I am, as soon as I'm alone, my thoughts go to you. Even the drive to work every morning. If I have someone with me, I can easily be distracted from thinking about you which I have come to accept that that might be a good thing. Otherwise I would dwell and cry 24/7.
I have felt so much stress lately. It's almost overwhelming. Between you being gone, the wedding, and mine and Kellen's adventure of buying a house, I feel exhausted and worn out all the time. The days seem to drag a little. But all I can do is keep pushing forward. I still have to remind myself to breathe sometimes when things become too much, or when I'm constantly thinking about you.
I feel as if this is only getting harder. I've never gone this long without seeing you. I am clinging onto all of our fun last times together. I still shudder a little as I walk into Phlebotomy class, and the instructors can tell I'm a little uncomfortable. But they are very understanding and know just what to say. Even driving to Phlebotomy the other night, I was late and I was just imagining what you would be saying to me about it. How I needed to speed up because we were late EVERY time. Or when I missed every single green light, you would groan and say "Every light? I can't believe we always miss the green lights!" When I went to the Jazz game the other night when they were playing the Lakers, I couldn't help but think what you would be saying about the game the entire time. All the profanities that would be coming out of your mouth.. =]
I miss you. You took a huge piece of my heart with you when you left me and it hurts every second of everyday. Please watch over and protect me... I need you. Always.
I love you so much!
Love Always,
Talysa

12/18/11

Dear Danny,
I miss you. Everyday.
It's still, even after almost 2 months, hard to believe that you are gone. I still wish it was a dream because the reality hurts too much. But sooner or later I have to accept it. I think that is my problem. I feel like accepting the truth will make me sound like I'm OK with it in a way. I'm NOT OK with it. Nor will I ever be. It is still hard to move on, though. And the good things we have to look forward to won't be as "good" as they're supposed to be if you aren't there with us. Honestly, I'm dreading those days.
Christmas will never be the same. I'm not ready for this Holiday to come. I really want to go to sleep on the 23rd and wake up on the 26th. I want to skip Christmas. But I can't. I have to live through it. And I have to be strong. There will be new traditions like a big Christmas dinner, probably a time for crying and reminiscing, and plenty more that will now occur on Christmas day for years to come. It will be hard though. I can't imagine what it will be like without you, but I guess in a week I won't have to try to imagine anymore. I'll find out first hand.
My Wedding will be a bittersweet day. I'm more than excited to marry my best friend, but I won't have my other best friend there with me. I'm scared that I will be a mess on that beautiful day because I won't stop thinking about your absence.. Yes, I have Jeff, and I'm so grateful I still have him, but it won't be the same just having one brother there. I never thought MY day, that is supposed to be so wonderful, would be full of mixed emotions.
Then again, I never thought I'd have to create a blog like this either.
I'm not excited for your birthday. It is just a reminder of how young you are and how much life you still had ahead of you. It will remind us of all the time you still had to learn about everything and all the experiences you have missed out on. It will remind the parents of how amazing the day was that they first held you in their arms, even though they had 3 before you. You were still an incredible gift to them. Again, it will be a time of new traditions. Tears, lanterns, maybe balloons. Definitely heartache.
Heartache- Something I have come to understand the meaning of in the most unfortunate way. Growing up, I always thought it had the same meaning, just in different situations. Missing someone. When I was really young, I used to sing to mom's picture when she went to church meetings, sometimes I would cry because I missed her so much, but eventually she would come back and I would be healed. Break ups gave me a bit of a heartache too, or maybe it was a headache? Anyways, I would eventually find someone else to occupy my time, and now that I have Kellen, I am healed in that sense too. But losing you is the one heartache that can't be cured by anyone or anything. At least not for a while. I know you aren't just at a meeting and coming home soon. I can't find someone else to occupy my time. The only way I am slightly cured is by spending time with Jeff. Being with him has meant a lot to me these past few months. It has really helped me cope with the loss of you because Jeff reminds me of you in some ways. He's unique and completely 100% himself, but there are somethings that he says that remind me of you. But I love him so much and I'm very grateful to still have him in my life.
I never stop thinking about you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I hurt everyday. I know that the 2nd Coming really isn't that far away, but it sure feels like it is. At least now that you're gone. Please stay with me forever, I need you.
Love Always,
Talysa

12/9/11

Dear Danny,
I haven't written you in a long time. I'm really sorry. I know I still talk to you all the time, so it isn't like this is the only form of communication I have with you.
I broke down for the first time in a while on Monday. I don't know what happened. I was seriously just fine. I was even thinking about you earlier, but I was driving home from work and debating to either get off on the state street exit or go on the belt route for I-15. Then I started trying to figure out when the last time I actually got off on the state street exit was. It was that dark, gloomy, dreadful, yet peaceful day. I started remembering how I felt that whole drive home after I found out you passed away, and how I felt when I saw the cop cars in front of our house. I even gave myself anxiety when I turned onto our street just from thinking about it.
Oh Danny, that was a horrible day... and I thought by now I would be able to write about it, but I still can't do it. It's still a little too personal, even though I pretty much already have all my feelings out on the table.
Anyways, on Monday when I got home from work, I laid on your bed for about an hour just sobbing and smelling the pillow that still smells like you. I totally lost it. I cried the entire time I was laying on your bed. I don't know if I thought that I was lucky for being the only one home or if I had wished Mom and Kelsi had been there. Not that it matters though because I broke down later that night in Mom's arms, too.
I asked Dad and Kellen to give me yet another blessing, and it comforted me right away. It was an amazing feeling. I was able to stop crying for the rest of the night and I was actually laughing not long after, too. The Comforter is such an amazing gift! I have never felt closer to the Lord than I have the past month and a half. I truly know He loves and cares for me. He knows the pain I am feeling. I keep thinking about the saying "God doesn't give you trials you can't handle" and I just think about how confident the Lord is in me. As long as I am living worthily, I WILL make it through this! And He knows it. I must have more strength than I thought. This whole trial has also made me realize the truth behind the quote:
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
And it's so true!
I have learned so much about myself while going through this. I have gained confidence and self respect. I have learned my strengths and weaknesses. I have learned how to cope in certain situations and what not to do in the same scenarios. I have gained a much stronger testimony of the Atonement, Our Fathers Love, Family, Service, and The Holy Ghost. I have even been looking at people with a whole different perspective. I wish upon everyone I see while driving to work that they are having a good day and that nothing bad happens to them. I pray that no one has to feel the pain I feel. I pray that everyone knows how much they are loved and how much they are cared about. I tell people I love them more. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt if they are being difficult. You just never know what is going on in someones life.
I miss you. I think about you almost every second of everyday. This whole "not being able to see you" thing is really getting old, but it still feels like I won't see you for another million years. I don't think I can wait that long, but I will try. Luckily I have a few good things to look forward to! The only thing is that it doesn't matter how good the future events will be, YOU WON'T BE THERE. And that will make my heart hurt even more on those days. But I'll have to deal with it. There is nothing I can do.
I love you, so much.
Love Always,
Talysa

11/28/11

Dear Danny,

It's been such a long month without you. I don't know when it's going to get easier to handle, but it definitely isn't easier yet. Some days seem to have the illusion that they are easier than others. Not that it's easy to get you off my mind, that will never be the case, but because some days I have more distractions. However, it's getting to the point where just the slightest glance at your picture makes me tear up. Thinking about you has gotten a little bit under control, as in I don't cry every time I think of you. You are still #1 on my mind, though.

There are times where it will randomly hit me that you're gone. I will be just fine and then all of the sudden, out of nowhere the words "My brother is dead" pop into my mind. These are words I never thought I'd have running through my mind on a daily basis. But they ARE in my mind because you ARE gone.

I don't like thinking about what the future will be like without you. Christmas, my wedding, family parties, your birthday. What about when I have kids? Where will their Uncle be? I don't want to go through all that with you not here. This first Holiday without you was more than I could bare. I might look like I'm doing alright, but I'm not. I might act like the pain in my heart isn't practically killing me, but it is. I miss you. Yes, it gives me comfort to know that I will see you again, but I want to see you today, right now! I want to be able to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug. I want to be able to tell you that I love you and know that you hear it.

I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can. I talk to you all the time, out loud and to myself. I have yet to feel you around me, but I won't give up hope. I know you'll let yourself known at the times I need it most, or as often as you're allowed. But I can't stop thinking about the Bruno Mars song: "Every night I'm talking to the moon, trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too, or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon? I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away..."

Love Always,

Talysa

11/24/11

Dear Danny,

Today is Thanksgiving. The first Holiday without you. I thought of a list of what I'm grateful for, and while I'm grateful for so many things, today I'm mostly grateful for you.

I'm grateful for having a brother like you. I'm so happy that we chose to be siblings! My life would have been a lot different had I not had you in it. And although you would never admit it, your life would have been different without me too.

I'm grateful for all the fights we had. I truly think our fights made us closer. We were close without the fights, and we didn't fight very often, but it was good to see the other side of you. And I know that I was a little bit of a brat and whiney, you never let me live it down.

I'm grateful for all the deep conversations we ever had. Although we didn't have too many of these, we still had a few that I will never forget. I'm so glad that I could open up to you like that and share what I was feeling. I couldn't do that with too many people. I'm also glad that you felt like you could open up to me and tell me anything. Even though I know you still held a lot in, I got to see the true Danny for a minute. The Danny that had real feelings and emotions. The Danny that put his guard down and showed his vulnerability. I LOVE that Danny.

I'm grateful for us only being 2 years apart. I loved going to school with you. I would always look for you in the halls and at lunch. I was proud to have my awesome big brother with me almost 24/7. Another perk that came with being so close in age, we had a lot of the same friends. Even though I would just flirt with all your friends, I think we still had a pretty good time. I would bug you and annoy you all the time, but that was all out of love, and I hated being left out.

Like I said in previous letters, I'm so grateful for all the stupid games we played and made up. Those made amazing memories that I will always hold in my heart. I also love how we would talk and laugh about the silly games we played. We had fun times reminiscing about the good ol' days. It doesn't seem that long ago that you would play Barbies with me in the basement... Oops.. Should I not have let that secret out??

I'm grateful for the Danny before he got sick. You were the most fun-loving, free spirited, happy, compassionate, optimistic, care-free, laid back person I had ever met. You always went out with friends, made videos, would dance around, sing, wrestle with me, and you hung out with me more. You were fun to be around, made everyone laugh, especially when you were with Jeff, and always had a smile on your face.

I'm (semi) grateful for the Danny after he got sick, too. Not only did this change you physically, it changed you mentally. And although it wasn't the best change to occur, I think it was a lesson waiting to be learned. You never let yourself learn it though. You let your illness change your perspective on things. It wasn't all bad though. It opened up plenty of opportunities to find yourself and to search the gospel for answers, I just don't feel like you tried to do any of that. I saw a lot of true emotion from you after you got sick. But not only did your illness change you, it changed the family. We became more willing to serve. You were never a burden to us, only someone we loved who needed our attention and care. We never once regretted putting things aside to help you. We never once wished that we wouldn't have cancelled something so we could be with you. We loved all the time we spent with you, happy or sad, healthy or sick.

I'm grateful for your friendship. You weren't just my brother. You were my best friend. You were my childhood hero, someone I looked up to. You were my partner in crime, making mom mad. You were always there to hug me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me that you loved me, even if you were forced to do so. You were always in the room right next to me. I remember talking about how one time we wanted to somehow put a Mailbox between our walls so we could always write each other letters/notes and talk to each other without leaving our rooms. I wish our parents would have let us do that... It would have been awesome!

All that I'm trying to say in this one little letter can be summed up into 2 huge words.

...THANK YOU...

Thank you for being my brother. Thank you for never making me play alone. Thank you for being there with me while we walk to the bus stop. Thank you for occasionally holding my hand. Thank you for cuddling with me in Mom and Dads bed, while Mom was trying to make her bed. Thank you for not getting mad at me too much for following you and your friends around the house. Thank you for leaving the house with me, without leaving a note or wearing our coats. Thank you for helping me make Mom yell at us almost on a daily basis.

But most of all, Thank you for loving me as much as you could.

Today will suck without you, but we can't make it go away, only make it through. I love you and miss you everday. I pray for you every night. I hope you can feel the love I have for you in my heart. I will never forget, but only remember all the sweet, precious memories I have with you.

Love Always,

Talysa