Dear Danny,
I miss you. Everyday.
It's still, even after almost 2 months, hard to believe that you are gone. I still wish it was a dream because the reality hurts too much. But sooner or later I have to accept it. I think that is my problem. I feel like accepting the truth will make me sound like I'm OK with it in a way. I'm NOT OK with it. Nor will I ever be. It is still hard to move on, though. And the good things we have to look forward to won't be as "good" as they're supposed to be if you aren't there with us. Honestly, I'm dreading those days.
Christmas will never be the same. I'm not ready for this Holiday to come. I really want to go to sleep on the 23rd and wake up on the 26th. I want to skip Christmas. But I can't. I have to live through it. And I have to be strong. There will be new traditions like a big Christmas dinner, probably a time for crying and reminiscing, and plenty more that will now occur on Christmas day for years to come. It will be hard though. I can't imagine what it will be like without you, but I guess in a week I won't have to try to imagine anymore. I'll find out first hand.
My Wedding will be a bittersweet day. I'm more than excited to marry my best friend, but I won't have my other best friend there with me. I'm scared that I will be a mess on that beautiful day because I won't stop thinking about your absence.. Yes, I have Jeff, and I'm so grateful I still have him, but it won't be the same just having one brother there. I never thought MY day, that is supposed to be so wonderful, would be full of mixed emotions.
Then again, I never thought I'd have to create a blog like this either.
I'm not excited for your birthday. It is just a reminder of how young you are and how much life you still had ahead of you. It will remind us of all the time you still had to learn about everything and all the experiences you have missed out on. It will remind the parents of how amazing the day was that they first held you in their arms, even though they had 3 before you. You were still an incredible gift to them. Again, it will be a time of new traditions. Tears, lanterns, maybe balloons. Definitely heartache.
Heartache- Something I have come to understand the meaning of in the most unfortunate way. Growing up, I always thought it had the same meaning, just in different situations. Missing someone. When I was really young, I used to sing to mom's picture when she went to church meetings, sometimes I would cry because I missed her so much, but eventually she would come back and I would be healed. Break ups gave me a bit of a heartache too, or maybe it was a headache? Anyways, I would eventually find someone else to occupy my time, and now that I have Kellen, I am healed in that sense too. But losing you is the one heartache that can't be cured by anyone or anything. At least not for a while. I know you aren't just at a meeting and coming home soon. I can't find someone else to occupy my time. The only way I am slightly cured is by spending time with Jeff. Being with him has meant a lot to me these past few months. It has really helped me cope with the loss of you because Jeff reminds me of you in some ways. He's unique and completely 100% himself, but there are somethings that he says that remind me of you. But I love him so much and I'm very grateful to still have him in my life.
I never stop thinking about you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I hurt everyday. I know that the 2nd Coming really isn't that far away, but it sure feels like it is. At least now that you're gone. Please stay with me forever, I need you.
Love Always,
Talysa
I miss you. Everyday.
It's still, even after almost 2 months, hard to believe that you are gone. I still wish it was a dream because the reality hurts too much. But sooner or later I have to accept it. I think that is my problem. I feel like accepting the truth will make me sound like I'm OK with it in a way. I'm NOT OK with it. Nor will I ever be. It is still hard to move on, though. And the good things we have to look forward to won't be as "good" as they're supposed to be if you aren't there with us. Honestly, I'm dreading those days.
Christmas will never be the same. I'm not ready for this Holiday to come. I really want to go to sleep on the 23rd and wake up on the 26th. I want to skip Christmas. But I can't. I have to live through it. And I have to be strong. There will be new traditions like a big Christmas dinner, probably a time for crying and reminiscing, and plenty more that will now occur on Christmas day for years to come. It will be hard though. I can't imagine what it will be like without you, but I guess in a week I won't have to try to imagine anymore. I'll find out first hand.
My Wedding will be a bittersweet day. I'm more than excited to marry my best friend, but I won't have my other best friend there with me. I'm scared that I will be a mess on that beautiful day because I won't stop thinking about your absence.. Yes, I have Jeff, and I'm so grateful I still have him, but it won't be the same just having one brother there. I never thought MY day, that is supposed to be so wonderful, would be full of mixed emotions.
Then again, I never thought I'd have to create a blog like this either.
I'm not excited for your birthday. It is just a reminder of how young you are and how much life you still had ahead of you. It will remind us of all the time you still had to learn about everything and all the experiences you have missed out on. It will remind the parents of how amazing the day was that they first held you in their arms, even though they had 3 before you. You were still an incredible gift to them. Again, it will be a time of new traditions. Tears, lanterns, maybe balloons. Definitely heartache.
Heartache- Something I have come to understand the meaning of in the most unfortunate way. Growing up, I always thought it had the same meaning, just in different situations. Missing someone. When I was really young, I used to sing to mom's picture when she went to church meetings, sometimes I would cry because I missed her so much, but eventually she would come back and I would be healed. Break ups gave me a bit of a heartache too, or maybe it was a headache? Anyways, I would eventually find someone else to occupy my time, and now that I have Kellen, I am healed in that sense too. But losing you is the one heartache that can't be cured by anyone or anything. At least not for a while. I know you aren't just at a meeting and coming home soon. I can't find someone else to occupy my time. The only way I am slightly cured is by spending time with Jeff. Being with him has meant a lot to me these past few months. It has really helped me cope with the loss of you because Jeff reminds me of you in some ways. He's unique and completely 100% himself, but there are somethings that he says that remind me of you. But I love him so much and I'm very grateful to still have him in my life.
I never stop thinking about you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I hurt everyday. I know that the 2nd Coming really isn't that far away, but it sure feels like it is. At least now that you're gone. Please stay with me forever, I need you.
Love Always,
Talysa
Your blog is beautiful! I worked with Danny a few years ago at Target. I stumbled upon your blog & cried through every post! I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. He was an amazing guy!
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog- blog hopping, I want to say I am so sorry for your loss- I lost my brother 2 years ago: He was multiply disabled, he'd sit on 7th east in Sandy outside of his wheelchair and watch cars, I have never been the same. You are allowed to go through the steps, the anger etc. it's no fun and I don't know that I have come to the terms of accepting my brother's death. May you feel comfort and love at this time- are you by chance the Talysa toone who had medical issues as a young baby? I hope you don't mind me reading your blog, it really is helpful.
ReplyDeleteYes, I am that Talysa Toone =] I had a liver transplant when I was 10 months old! I'm sorry that the pain hasn't gotten lighter for you. I don't expect it to ever really go away. I know I'll always feel empty. I'm sure you know how that feels, unfortunately. It hurts me to know there are more people out there that feels like this. I would never wish it upon anyone else, I wish I could take the pain from others. Even you =]
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