9/10/12

Dear Danny,

I am so sorry I have waited this long to write you again. I don't know why I have kept putting it off. It's hard to have to talk to you like this now. It's obviously not the same. I've built up a lot of anger towards you. I think it has to do with the fact that I can't see, call, or touch you. This whole thing is haunting me more and more everyday. Especially on Sundays with the family, though.

I don't know what to do anymore, Danny. I have been breaking down so much lately and it hasn't been light tears. It's been full on waterfalls. I forgot how many tears I could hold. The last time I broke down like I did on Thursday, was the dreadful day that started this all. When I started crying I couldn't stop. I cried for 45 minutes STRAIGHT! Then, after that, the smallest thought of you made me start back up again. On my way driving home, I couldn't listen to any radio because I feared one of the songs that remind me of you would come on. Even after all the crying and letting it go throughout the day, I still fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheek. It felt good, though. It felt very much needed. It had been a while before that since I had really broken down, and like I always say, if I go too long without letting myself cry, it just keeps building until I can't hold it in any longer. That is exactly what happened Thursday.

Gosh, I miss you. I don't care how repetitive that is in all my posts. I MISS YOU. This is hard. It is hard being without you. It is hard not seeing your smile everyday. It's hard not hearing your voice. It's hard not being able to call you up randomly or send you a text just to let you know that I love you. It's hard seeing your car in the garage and knowing you don't drive it anymore. Its hard seeing what your room has become now that you are living in it. It's hard seeing Daniel and Cort and just wishing you were in the room too. Its hard to keep pretending that everything is "OK" because I don't like people seeing me struggling. It is hard not being visited as much by neighbors, friends, and family, as if they think we have miraculously healed and don't need to be checked on. Its hard living day to day still wondering if there was something I could have done. It's hard not having you here. I miss my brother.

As October 26th is slowly creeping up on us, its hard to believe it has only been a year since you've been gone. One year down, eternity to go until I see your face again. At least that's how it feels. It's actually crazy how fast the year has gone by, but it still feels like you've been gone for a lot longer than that.

One of your friends posted the most beautiful poem on your memorial page. I immediately broke down because as I was reading it in my mind, I heard your voice saying each word. It was literally as if you were telling me the poem. It couldn't have come at a better time, too. I was feeling very lonely and empty the morning I read it. It gave me the strength I needed to go about the rest of my day in comfort.

(Thank you so much Ashley for posting this!!)

 I know you are up there watching over us. I KNOW it. I know you come to me in dreams when Heavenly Father knows I can handle it. I know the things I see or think throughout the day are sent to me from Heaven to always remember you and keep the memory of you alive. Even though I don't know how I could ever forget you. I promise I won't, as long as you promise to never forget me, either.

I love you so much Danny. I can't wait to touch your beautiful face and feel the warmth of your arms around me again. That will truly be the most amazing and incredible reunion.

Love Always,

Talysa