9/30/17

Dear Danny,

It has been more than 2 years since I last logged on. There have been so many times I have wanted to write my thoughts out, I just never did. I don't know why I can't get myself to do this more, but I am going to try not to wait so long next time.

It's been almost 6 years since you left. In fact, next month will mark 6 years exactly. It has been hard. I always find myself wondering how my kids would act if you were here. What would their "Danny's tickling me" laugh sound like? What would the expression on their face say when they see you enter the room? How tight would they wrap their little arms around you? What games would they want to play that are special just between you and them? Well, I already know one thing; They would think the absolute world of you. And you would treat them like they were your entire world. Just like you did with all our nieces and nephews.

Anyways, I don't want this to be sad like most of my posts. Sure, the last 6 years has been the hardest I've had to endure so far. And many things have changed, things I never thought possible have changed. But if there is anything positive that I have learned through this trial, it's to recognize my blessings and be grateful for what I DO have.

-I still have 3 amazing, loving, kind siblings and their spouses, who are wonderful Aunts and Uncles to my kids. I still get to experience everything I listed above with them. I get to see how excited Aria gets when she sees Brandis. I get to Facetime with Kelsi and listen to Aria and Ezra have "grown up" conversations. I get to watch Jeff tease the boys and see Aria being silly with him. I am still extremely close with Mindy and love having her as my other "sister". I still have a lot family that care about me, and I care about them. Not to mention the most selfless, loving, accepting, compassionate parents I could have ever chosen. They live to serve and do it with a sincere smile on their face.

-I have an amazing family of my own. I have the most patient husband known to man! He has stood by my side basically since we started dating! He knows me inside and out. He is my best friend and the best daddy. He steps in right when I need him and never complains. His parents are so loving and supportive. They love my kids and are so good with them. They are everything I could have asked for as In-laws. And the kids....... Oh, my sweet kids. God knew exactly what He was doing sending them to us when He did. Aria has the biggest heart. She is constantly expressing her love for me and Kellen. I love the random hugs and kisses she showers me with. She is kind to everyone she meets and makes sure everybody feels included and important. Kohen is the happiest kid in the world! He is always smiling, making silly faces, and he has a little lamb-like laugh that warms my heart up in an instance. And Kamden was definitely supposed to be named after you. He is rambunctious, fearless, and carefree. He's determined and a bit stubborn, but he loves sitting on laps, being held, snuggling and has a smile that brightens anyone's day.

-I have amazing friends who have always been there for me when I need them. They care about my daily life and how I'm doing. They listen when I just need to vent and have advice when seeking help.

-And lastly, though a piece of my heart has broken off, it is still beating. It will continue to beat until I take my last breath. I have a wonderful life. I know there are times I can't always see the good in my life, but that doesn't mean it's not a good one. I'm grateful for the journey, even if there are things I wish I didn't have to endure.

I'm not saying I'm grateful for you being gone. I will never be OK with it. With your choice. However, I am grateful for the lessons I am learning as I go. But... I miss you. You will always be that missing piece of my heart that I so desperately want back. Patience is not my strong suit, but I know there will be a day where I will see you again and we will talk as if we were never apart.

"I miss you, I miss you so bad. I don't forget you, oh it's so sad. I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly; The day you slipped away......"

Love Always,
Talysa

4/6/2015

Dear Danny,

So many thoughts are running through my head as I write after almost 2 years.. I don't know what has been keeping me away from here. I really don't have an excuse. Aria is busy but there is still a lot of down time between her sleeping and keeping herself busy, I could definitely write something. I don't work that often and even at work I have slow days where I could say something. I think its mostly because writing here makes me think about you more than ever. I re-read my previous posts and think about everything that has been going on without you for the past almost 4 years. All I know is that this really does help me feel better. Somehow putting words on paper (or in the computer, rather) helps me cope and feel better for a little bit. I feel like I'm finally able to tell you what I've been holding inside for quite some time.

My heart is still just as broken as ever. I still find myself asking "why" and "what if". It's a terrible thought, thinking there was probably some way I could have saved you, but feeling like I didn't try hard enough.. I could have done something different the day before. I could have hugged you, told you I loved you, and let you know that you were truly my best friend and so important to me. I wonder if it would have made any difference at all. 

I hope you continue to feel the love I have for you. This love is everlasting. 

There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.. 

I break down more often lately. Everything seems to remind me of you. Smells, lyrics, sounds, songs, cars, colors, hairstyles, clothes, people... The list goes on. Sometimes I smell your cologne and I find myself looking for you, hoping I have finally woken up from this nightmare, but you're never there, and this is my reality now.

I hurt. And everyday is a struggle. I've mastered hiding my pain. I want to appear strong. I can only imagine the looks I'd get from people if I cried as often as I feel I could. 3 1/2 years and it's still just as hard as the first day. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep this mask on. I feel it slipping off every once in a while.

I love you so much. You will always mean the world to me. I will always look up to you. I will continue to learn from you, and pray for you. I ask that you come visit me in my dreams. It has been way too long since I've heard your voice..

"They say I'll be OK, but I'm not going to ever get over you..."

Love Always,

Talysa

5/16/13

Dear Danny,

I know its been months, and I have been wanting to write for such a long time, but I just haven't been able to get myself to do it. I haven't written you since Thanksgiving time! I know you always hear the words that are in my heart, so that is comforting.

As always, I wish you were here. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a kiss on the cheek. I wish I could wrestle with you one more time. I wish I could sing Karaoke with you again. But, more than anything, I wish you could experience this miracle growing in my belly with me and the family. I wish I could put your hand on my belly and see the look on your face when she kicks you. I'm jealous that Traeden, Jaxon, Araleigh, and Milly all got to have you in their lives, even if Milly was only a few months old when you left her. Jeff and Liz still got to see you with her. That is something Kelsi and I will never have. It's actually a lot harder than I thought it would be too. I was dreading it from the start, but this is hell. I'm so beyond words excited to bring this little girl into the world, but I hate the thought of raising her with only pictures of you. I know you are with her now, but that isn't something she will remember. It's something I'll have to get over though, because obviously I can't do anything about it. Just promise me you'll watch over her, always. Be her guardian angel. Never let her be alone. 

No matter how bad I wish, pray, and hope this nightmare still isn't real, it is. And I still have yet to accept it.  It's still strange not seeing you on Sundays at moms house. It's still strange to walk into your empty room. I miss your voice, laugh, hugs, smacks in the face, your fake hugs, sitting next to you on the couch, texting you. Pretty much everything.

Sunday is your birthday. You would be 26. Do you realize how young that is?? Last year was terribly hard. Well it wasn't that bad until we started singing to you, and then when I blew out the candles for you. I'll never forget how empty that evening felt. You could tell there was something, or rather... someone, missing. I guess we will see how this year goes.

I love you more than anything. You were the best big brother ever. I took it for granted. I regret not spending more time with you. I regret not having more simple conversations with you, and getting to know you more. I miss you, and will continue to miss you until I see you again. There is nothing you can do to stop the tears from rolling down my cheek. But you could have prevented them.

Love Always,

Talysa

11-22-12

Dear Danny,

Today, on Thanksgiving, I am grateful for you.

I am grateful for the love you never ceased to express to me everyday. I knew, without a doubt, that you loved me. You didn't tell me very often, but I always felt it. I never had to wonder. I never questioned it. I always knew it. The way we would talk sarcastically (all the time) was our own way of expressing our love. Honestly, I don't think anyone had to wonder if you loved them.

I am grateful for your understanding, the compassion you had towards everyone, you never judged a single person. I am grateful for your acceptance of others, your sense of humor, especially when you were around Jeff and/or Daniel. I'm grateful for your love for music and the great taste you had in it; you got the whole family hooked on the 80's. I'm grateful for your positive attitude you had even while you were sick. I know it wasn't the easiest thing to go through and there were some rough patches but for the most part you put on a happy face, mostly so we wouldn't worry, though.

I'm grateful for your selflessness. Yes, people would say that suicide is a very selfish thing, which I didn't understand until it happend to us. I can see how they might think it's selfish. After all, you did leave us all behind to hurt. But that wasn't your intention. I know the last thing you would have wanted to do was cause us pain. So in my opinion, you are still very selfless. You always put others before you. You were always willing to help in any situation.

I'm grateful for the way you always protected me and cared for me. I was safe around you. I knew you wouldn't let anything happen to me and that I could trust you with my life. I love how you trusted me too. You could tell me anything and everything and I would listen. I knew so many of your secrets and I loved knowing that you trusted me.

I'm grateful for all the lessons you taught me and continue to teach me now. I am a better person because of you. I have changed the way I see people. I learned to never judge a book by its cover because even though you had a 'tough guy' appearence, you are a big fluffy teddy bear with a huge heart on the inside! You really are one of the sweetest people I have ever known.

You are one of the best brothers ever. I wouldn't be the same had you not been in my family. And though you were only on the earth for a short time, I know you are continuing to do amazing things in Heaven with all our family and friends who have also moved on. Like I've said before, I am quite jealous of you sometimes. Not that I would like to be dead, but I would love to get out of this world so full of evil and sin. I'm scared to bring my own child into this world, but it is a commandment so I will do it faithfully. I know you are up there with my future children right now (which also makes me jealous that you know them before I do...), teaching them how to behave and NOT to be out of control.. Right? I'm not lookng forward to raising them with only pictures of you, but there is nothing I can do about it. And of course I want them to know their Uncle Danny.

I love you so much Danny. I love you as much as one is capable of loving someone else. Yes, the pain will never go away, but it has gotten easier to cope so far. I dream about the renuion we will have soon. But that day still can't come fast enough for me. I do think about it everyday, though. You're always on my mind and forever in my heart.

Love Always,

Talysa

9/10/12

Dear Danny,

I am so sorry I have waited this long to write you again. I don't know why I have kept putting it off. It's hard to have to talk to you like this now. It's obviously not the same. I've built up a lot of anger towards you. I think it has to do with the fact that I can't see, call, or touch you. This whole thing is haunting me more and more everyday. Especially on Sundays with the family, though.

I don't know what to do anymore, Danny. I have been breaking down so much lately and it hasn't been light tears. It's been full on waterfalls. I forgot how many tears I could hold. The last time I broke down like I did on Thursday, was the dreadful day that started this all. When I started crying I couldn't stop. I cried for 45 minutes STRAIGHT! Then, after that, the smallest thought of you made me start back up again. On my way driving home, I couldn't listen to any radio because I feared one of the songs that remind me of you would come on. Even after all the crying and letting it go throughout the day, I still fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheek. It felt good, though. It felt very much needed. It had been a while before that since I had really broken down, and like I always say, if I go too long without letting myself cry, it just keeps building until I can't hold it in any longer. That is exactly what happened Thursday.

Gosh, I miss you. I don't care how repetitive that is in all my posts. I MISS YOU. This is hard. It is hard being without you. It is hard not seeing your smile everyday. It's hard not hearing your voice. It's hard not being able to call you up randomly or send you a text just to let you know that I love you. It's hard seeing your car in the garage and knowing you don't drive it anymore. Its hard seeing what your room has become now that you are living in it. It's hard seeing Daniel and Cort and just wishing you were in the room too. Its hard to keep pretending that everything is "OK" because I don't like people seeing me struggling. It is hard not being visited as much by neighbors, friends, and family, as if they think we have miraculously healed and don't need to be checked on. Its hard living day to day still wondering if there was something I could have done. It's hard not having you here. I miss my brother.

As October 26th is slowly creeping up on us, its hard to believe it has only been a year since you've been gone. One year down, eternity to go until I see your face again. At least that's how it feels. It's actually crazy how fast the year has gone by, but it still feels like you've been gone for a lot longer than that.

One of your friends posted the most beautiful poem on your memorial page. I immediately broke down because as I was reading it in my mind, I heard your voice saying each word. It was literally as if you were telling me the poem. It couldn't have come at a better time, too. I was feeling very lonely and empty the morning I read it. It gave me the strength I needed to go about the rest of my day in comfort.

(Thank you so much Ashley for posting this!!)

 I know you are up there watching over us. I KNOW it. I know you come to me in dreams when Heavenly Father knows I can handle it. I know the things I see or think throughout the day are sent to me from Heaven to always remember you and keep the memory of you alive. Even though I don't know how I could ever forget you. I promise I won't, as long as you promise to never forget me, either.

I love you so much Danny. I can't wait to touch your beautiful face and feel the warmth of your arms around me again. That will truly be the most amazing and incredible reunion.

Love Always,

Talysa

5/24/2012

Dear Danny, 

I am getting really bad at writing to you! I know you aren't mad at me for it though.

I miss you. Like always. I feel like it's getting worse though. I've been crying so much lately! Almost as much as that horrible day. I think it mostly has to do with your birthday.

Your birthday was not fun. It was great to have so many people over that love and care about you and the family, but you could definitely feel your absence. I was being good about not crying until I goofed and looked at your scrapbook. In the back of the book it showed an outline of your funeral service. That got me. It kinda just hit me for the 1,000th time that you were gone. I thought that getting hit once would do the trick but apparently I go into some kind of denial, thinking you aren't really on the other side.

Anyways, when I started crying looking at your scrapbook, I went inside to wipe my eyes. Then I lost it. It was the perfect time because I was alone. That is the time I allow myself to cry the most. I don't want people to see weakness in me when I'm trying so hard to be strong, day after day! When I composed myself, I went into the kitchen where I saw mom and lost it yet again, only this time I cried hard. I felt a little silly because everyone outside could probably see me through the window, but I didn't care. I needed to do two things: Cry and Hug my mom. And it helped for a minute, anyways.

We went back out to light your cake and sing to you. We were trying to decide who was going to blow out your candles. I wanted so badly to run back inside and lock myself in the bathroom and just cry more. But I kept it together until we started singing. I couldn't sing. I tried. I opened my mouth but all that came out was air. I started crying again and when the song was over, many more were crying as well. No one was blowing out the candles so I blew them out for you. I felt funny doing that because we would always get mad at each other for blowing out the others candles! But this time, we had no choice. Someone else had to do it.

After we all had some cake/pie, we went to the cemetery to light off floating lanterns! I, surprisingly, didn't cry anymore that night. I got a very peaceful feeling watching the lanterns fly away. Watching them reminded me of you in a way. We light the little flammable block, wait for the lantern to be filled with hot air, then let it go and watch it float away. Well, saying that the flammable block and fire was your illness, because of it, you were filled with emotion, anger, hatred, doubt, and pain (The warm air). Once you were completely full, you couldn't hold on anymore so you let go. Setting yourself free from all the hurt you floated, flew, and drifted away to a better place. 

No one could ever imagine what was going on in your mind in your final hours, days, or months. No one could ever grasp the amount pain you were in for 8 years. No one can imagine what it was like to feel like your life was so limited because of a HORRIBLE chronic illness. No one can know what it was like to push away the goals and dreams that you had for yourself because of the illness. And because of this, no one has the right to judge any of your decisions, even when you were alive.

I love you so much. I think about you everyday and even more when I dream about you! The hole in my heart isn't getting any smaller, but I hope that it will slowly stop hurting. I know the pain will never go away. I don't want it to. That to me sounds like I have forgotten or replaced you. This yearning for you will never decease. I need it there to remind me of what I need to do to see you again. And I WILL see you again. It's just a matter of time. And all I can do is wait. Even though the waiting is getting harder and feels longer everyday. 

My faith shakes every once in a while. I think its only natural though. Its tough times like these that make me question if there really is an afterlife, if I really will see you again. But once I question it, I feel silly because I already know the answer. Can't get mad at me for doubting sometimes though. The doubt doesn't last long. Usually only a few minutes at the most. But I find comfort where I should. In Heavenly Father and all the resources He has given us. Its amazing what you can find when actually searching for answers, not just to read because you should.

I have no doubt that I will see you again, and like I said, that day will be more than glorious.

I love you.

Love Always,
Talysa

4/26/12

Dear Danny,

6 months ago today was the start of the most unbelievable nightmare. A nightmare I still hope and pray to wake up from. Here, 6 months seems like an Eternity, but that is nothing compared to how long it feels like til the next time I will be able to see you again.

6 months. 26 weeks.182 days. 4368 hours.

That is how long it has been since you left us here in complete darkness.

It still hurts. Everyday. And I only feel myself getting weaker. I cry a lot lately, and sometimes I'm even taken back from it. I don't feel it coming half the time. I feel overly sensitive with somethings. Me and Kellen fell asleep to Mr. Deeds last night and there was a funeral scene. I forced myself to close my eyes during that part. I don't know why things like that are getting to me so easily! It's frustrating, really. I want this to be over. I can't be strong forever, but I have to try. Even if it takes all that I have. 

I've been listening to a song by Miranda Lambert a lot lately. It doesn't help the hurt, but at the same time, it brings me comfort because of how much I can relate to it. Of course, I change a few words, but for the most part, it is perfect for how I and many, many others feel.

Here are the lyrics:

Over You

Weather man said it's gonna snow

By now I should be used to the cold

Mid-February shouldn't be so scary

It was only December

I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you.

They say I'll be OK 

But I'm not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place

I think of you, and I'm not afraid

Your favorite records make me feel better

Cause you sing along

With every song

I know you didn't mean to give them to me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone.

Cause you went away,

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you.

Having you gone feels like a nail is being hammered in my heart. I truly believe you didn't mean to leave us and put us through this Hell, but it doesn't matter. The pain is still unbearable. I really hope you are doing all that you can to get to where you need to be so we can spend Eternity together. Please continue to visit me in my dreams. I love hearing your voice more than anything and I NEED to continue to hear it. It is very comforting.

I love you Danny. More and more everyday. I can't imagine what our reunion will be like!! I am looking so forward to it, and it can't come soon enough. I miss you like crazy.

Love Always,

Talysa